man in the fridge

in chaos i find peace. in this topsyturvy world i see order. falling angels, speedy crashes burning, furious teacher, angry bus drivers, sadistic nurses, mercenaries of the corporate world but i look up them and i smile. the devil, God, pseudo Gods, gambling lords, war lords and politicians sitting in one long table discussing about peace and order and they can’t meet at one point, it is minion they bring. plague caused by miscalculations, misfits of companies merging, nonstrategic alliances of multinationals that makes the labor force redundant. the music is now a disaster, thunder, blunders and back masking unmasking the truth sealing lies and everybody denies, it was not me, and it was not you, did people mate for the reason of procreation, self destruction and lusting, craving for love that destroys its meaning. bidding, stalling time looking running hiding and this is not right. the flow of prose of perfectly ending world and yet i am smiling. serenity in doom. the melody of the wicked philosophy, apathy and proud to have no mercy and keep my eyes closed, open my fist and i worship as the world falls apart, while everybody slam dance and the bass goes on like thongs banging in vibration, merely citations of audio illusion. the smokes in the air filling the atmosphere, do they really care if people die due to their chemicals, its not normal but its not abnormal, i see you cry, and i see thoughts flying. people dying naturally, accidentally sometimes intentionally, the end of the world chaos and peace meet in silence.your logic and his tolerance. bring this system down and the world is in order in irony.but i am happy.

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

minsan

masarap

bumalik sa nakaraan

minsan masarap hanapin

yung mga kasagutan

sa naiwang bakas ng karahasan…

di mo matutunton ang sagot at rason, kapag di tayo natuto sa kahapon. di maaring lumipad ang isang ibon na hindi muna dadapo sa isang puno.lahat ng ngayon, ay may kahapon, lahat ng luha ay may tuwa, sang libo man ang pasakit na tahakin, may ngiti pa ring nakaabang sa bandang hulihan.

ang ilaw na lumalagablab noong una mong natikman ang sarap, ay siya ring ilaw na papaso sa iyo upang iyong matikman ang sakit ng karahasan, sa bawat buhay na mawawala,isang malungkot na alaala ang iyong madadala. ubusin man luha, mapuno man ng latay at sa sakit maratay ang alaalang mapait ay marka na pang habang buhay.

kaya mong magtiis dahil sa salitang pag-ibig, pero ang alaalang kaypait na dulot ng salitang matamis ay delubyo na lalamon sa buo mong pagkatao.hindi na nga tayo nagkita, hindi na kita nahawakan, at kahit papano dahil don naunawaan ko ang kapayapaan.

sa buhay na iyong sinilang, sana ang alaala nating mapait iyong malimutan, at ang buo kong pagkatao ay tuluyan nang makalipad sa kalayaan. sa wakas sana matunton ko rin ang iyong kaligayahan…

at sa bawat yapak ng ngayon

dadalhin ko ang iyong mga luha

mga pangako

at ang pag-ibig na nabigo….

sa wakas

lalaya na ako.

-darkmau-

Malaya!

-para sa tatlong taong pakikibaka sa sarili kong mundo mula sa iyong yakap at halik-

this is an agony of distance, the epic battle of logic and emotions. could it be possible? the risk and reward, after a long equation of hopes and dreams, this could be the last. or really this is the last. i shall not allow one more dream pass me by. if mars is an option then i shall leave at this very moment and this very instance, i shall dream and hope together with the tragedy of galactic oblivion.

if i could just make time come my way right in front of me where everything is going backward, i see a green light but everything is dormant and i am at the back waiting for my turn. while everyone is ahead of me enjoying your company, i just cant step more on my accelerator, this is the top speed, this is my curse.

while i see tears in my soul, i see smile up in the sky, your same smile painted on the clouds. my long lasting nirvana, i could live forever, and die at your presence at this instance, when can you be mine? but no worries i am yours…one step to insanity…. my intangible fragile reality…

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

and if the sun cease to shine and the rain keeps on falling, or the blissful memory suddenly stop and the world would just be dormant and every people you know are only memories of a one second lapse of yesterday and today. but i refuse to believe. there are things in life that i adore, despite its oddities, and complexities i will not cease to believe in such creations. if all memories would just start to fade, id stretch out my hand for a second and would plea for a minute extension, i just want to remember before i forget. if all things must come to end, then i shall cherish a happy good bye. but not today, not now. if you force feed me with thoughts of impossibilities, i shall only repel. i refuse to yield even if hell is smiling to embrace me, but it can not be done.. not yet, not now, not ever. i live not to follow, i live not to lead, i just live.

"what day is tomorrow?, it will not come."

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

the froggy had a constant fear in making giant leaps, he fell many time in great pits and he fell hard that sometimes he could not move. the froggy was getting tired of leaping and falling, he was tired of messing up…

but in a distant well, a princess dwells in tears…as if she had been waiting perpetually, but got disappointed many times. the princess have the world at her finger tips but she could not be happy…

the froggy saw the tears flowing and he could not help but feel the lamentation of the sad princess. but when he was about to get near to the princess, a mighty wind blew him away, and when he was floating in mid air the princess saw him, and the path was written.

the froggy landed in a strange land, where he barely could understand the language, but each day that passed, all that lingers on his mind was the princess, "the princess ought to be happy" and that kept on going on until one day he was hopping going to a nearby pond… he saw a  fly near him so he stretched his tongue out and trapped the fly…but the fly was no ordinary fly, he was an enchanted fly, and so the fly spoke, "set me free and id give u one wish", and the frog set it free and requested that hed be a human… and the fly granted him the wish but "for one condition froggy, if you fall or someone falls in love you have to give up your life" and the frog said "it could not be done"….

the fly asked why? the frog said " i have no way of having the princess if i will die, i am not willing to die for the princess, i will live for her, i will love her even if she can not love me back, i need her happiness, for in her smile i am almost human"…he was turned into a froggy again and the fly disappeared…

the froggy continued its journey…little hop, big hop, small hop, big hop…with a thought in his mind.."how soon could i get near you?"

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

three months and time is passing… i am messing up. big deal! i am good at it anyway. three months and i haven’t got any real friends yet. loneliness envelopes my dark existence. lately i have become a net freak, i began to have a world inside the cyberspace, my idea of socializing is thru this pseudo reality. my idea of affection is based on the pixelized images that flash before my eyes. the only time i would get out of the house is when i have classes, or i have to do some freaking means to earn few quids to keep me going. yeah my life is now controlled by this technology, its my only life here. i feel in control. but still in the depth of my mind i feel the shattering loneliness, i miss the feeling of real interaction with real and moving people, the smiles and giggles of female species. the basic conversation i have here are those who are busy with their life and uses net as an exhaust pipe over their melodramatic life, or sometimes i get to know, perverted 18 year olds who are so liberated and challenges even my own sexual life(just wait til i get my hands on you-LOL) and the way i laugh, i do it by saying LOL. shucks! i am starting to be a freak. i am starting to keep my existence boxed. and i have narrowed my options in life to meet people. i really thought having an internet connection might ease my psychotic contentions but as each day that i become an addict the more i am lured in having demented opinions about life. although i am on my normal sanity, i just can’t let go of the thought that one of these day i might go to Thames river and drown myself to death.well have you heard of someone drowning and not dying? well actually i did, but his mom almost killed him when he told he lost his tag huer watch when he was drowning. anyway back to my point, could anyone out here in UK(hopefully in London near my place) help me out here, it is not my nature to beg but i guess i need a few quick tips on how to gain interaction skills. i am depressingly going down the gutter and i am afraid that one day all that is left of me is rubble of what i used to be….only worse…

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

kuan for the basic sense of the word is everything. an
additive for every lost word that we should use in our
daily life. kuan could be an adjective, a noun, and
even a whole detail of an article.

kuan is simply translated to many words, into dialects
or into martian language, but still it would be kuan.
kuan’s impressive quality is an everyday sense of
belongingness if you are a Noypi(a close cousin of
kuan during the kuan era).

kuan could also be a verb, but most of kuans are
connotated negatively like, "nanggaling sila sa motel,
malamang kinuan niya si kuan"..and the rest could be
told in unique kuan manner without any censorhip.so
if you would like to teach your baby sis, or brother
about erotic sex, just add the word kuan and you will
be very safe, i just dont think if it is understandable….

kuan may also be a pronoun, and if we could really
count people substituting the word kuan for a name,
we will find that the word kuan should be at the top of
the most common word that is utilized in the
philippines and noypis in abroad.

kuan is also a safe answer for every difficult question,
if kuan is a mathematical term then it is the number
N…you can use kuan for every equation, for every
aspect of science, math and even theology,
watch; ‘when judas kissed jesus, he said to
jesus, "kuan lord and that i kuan"… and so you have a
factual words, and lets just say judas lost words for
kuan reasons’..

for some the word kuan may be spelled as kuwan or
to some dialect i really dont know, but the effeciency
of this word, is sometimes an escape goat of
demented politicians who could not show how they
have earned such large amount of money and they
would just reason to their lawyers like, "kuan kasi,
nung binigay ni kuan yung kuan, mejo ganun n ang
suma ng kuan…kaya kala ko yung kuan, malinis,
never thought kuan pala iyon"- sounds logical for a
kuan mind….

in conclusion, kuan is a universal term to supply the
lack of demanded exact words for all occasions. kuan
is like a kuan that is based on kuan….

the end.

-darkmau-
MALAYA!

so it had to end.

i held you close, tight and sweet more than i could ever given to anyone. i was the devil and you were my heaven. you were my all, you were my world, needless to say i am dead just to be beside you.

but it had to end.

for some who knows this story read along… you might reckon now what truly happened; why everything turned sour, from a sweet beginning, to a bitter ending.

she was there sitting at the corner of the gate of jacinto campus of ateneo, she who had the angelic face, but remained a voiceless stranger to me. i watched her everyday, each of the day that i could pass by that gate, each time that my system required me to puff a cigarette to keep the cancer hope’s alive, i have been there watching her in silence especially during the late afternoons. but soon that had to end.

i had to keep my life real, i had somebody else, hoping to evade such chronic disaster from the memory that lingers in my mind. but she stayed in mind.the whole one year was agonizing. but to some for seen events(can not tell what happened) i was free. or forced to be free without proper break up. and chance came my way, i had the chance of getting close to the goddess of fantasy, the one whom i bear to watch every single day that she had to sit in the corner of that gate, rain or shine, in light or in darkness, not to mention mosquitoes bugging me for some blood which i gladly share just for me to keep on the passing minutes of the beautiful sight.

obsession…

she had been my longest obsession, ever since i came to that spot, ever since i knew her existence.so with the chance at hand that i could be close to her, i knew or really did not know at all that she could be mine…and luck was with me, she had been mine… i just can spill the details of how i had her, but the important thing is I was with her and she is with me.

but did it last?

read my first sentence.

so what happened, this was the thing… you could not let someone you truly love succumb the pain of being disowned, you could not love someone and see her coming down to heaven and drag her down to your pit of hell. and lastly you could not keep a relationship that would surpass every fairy tale, each story must be anchored to reality, freedom and reality plays a vital role to what we call love… and so i had to choose. i had to.

i knew i could not keep with the phase of loving and losing, and seeing her in despair, i could not leave her knowing that i love her. there must be some other way. but it had to be.

and so we both parted ways, although i was hopeful that i could fulfill her dreams, but in my heart(whatever was left of it) kept on telling me, it just had to be one of my past…one of your past.and so from that day i knew, no relationship would  ever last…but this is mau…impossible is not a word. so i continue believing…or did i?

goodbye china eyes…i know you are happy…i am sorry.

-darkamau-

Malaya!

-disclaimer:

although the story is true, there are some parts that really would not mean anything at all, so keep this blog as a blog…nothing personal…blog!

to yield from a force that will pull my spirit down. suck all my blood and blow off my mind to far oblivion. the minion, my everyday doomsday, the agony of waiting in desperation, following the sweet music of unknown death and slow passing time of eternity. on my way to darkness as i pass the twisted lights of fake abyss. as i clenched my fist, i thirst for a cup of revenge, to something i can never reckon. i taste a lips of innocence from my demented existence, a melody of invisibility, a wall of wailing, carefully patterned genocide of dreams…a step for tripping chastity, a lust i could not fulfill, a touch of pain, from a blood shut memory of pain. to where these words lead—-i do not know. well, much is said, so little is done.

-darkmau-

MALaya!

one day i’ll stop. i wont scroll, search and i will just cease to breathe. one day i will quit, lay back and live within my own chaos. end this freaking circus, leave this madness, wake up from this catastrophe a misjudging eye and miserable memories. continued derailed repetition of such dreams.

i am under pressure and just cant move, playing the game of blind folded tag, are you there? can you smell me? are you drunk or am i wasted? hey dont smirk, have your guitar, show me some song, make me believe that i am worth a single note.

how have you been, if all the shadows are gone, can you trust deception. is shadow your friend? can you really believe in things you have lost faith off. as i continue to sing the chorus of the nine inch megalomaniac song "the perfect drug" can you believe that  still after the few shots of invisible booze and a smell from unknown hemp i am high…struggling to be free…

-darkmau-

Malaya!