Archive for February, 2006

hey jealousy!

Sunday, February 26th, 2006

paranoid.

hand sweating.

heart beating… just a little bit faster…each minute rapidly increasing.

cold sweat, everywhere…

eyes are wet, slowly tears falling… mind is blank, logic fails and emotions succee. only for unknown reason of insecurity, hey jealousy! leave me, i want to be in peace, mental conditioning falling short, time flying fast, left in a phase of tossing and turning not being able to get the core of the story.

hey jealousy leave me alone.

at each turn of the clock ,walls start to move, making my world a little bit smaller, my phase a little bit slower, and my tears starts to fall over.

cracking down, at the moment of crash, colliding with devils and pseudo demon i clash, who to turn? people on the list is getting few-social life distorted. hey jealousy leave me!

thank God, i fell, and started trend of optimism, jealousy my friend, thanks for coming, now i know, you are no foe. hey jealousy, visit them too, they might need you. i am alright now, thanks for dropping by, leave me a message if you are free bugging their life.secured after jealousy!

mau

MALAYA!

ego down… white flag up!

Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006

tears would not fall. not when i am in control. but when i crossed your path. everything changed. it was quick transition. from the hardened heart of darkness, i am now a sheep lost without your love. paranoia in every single move of my existence, i do not know how to act, but i am so damn secured and helplessly worried because i am loving you in every way, in every turn of the clock and in everyday that unfolds. i am getting used to it little by little, like an oxygen or blood in veins, you are beginning to creep in my system. and just like nicotine and orgasm, i just cant stop and leave it all hanging. i do not want a day, i do not want a week, i can not accept a month, nor a year, not even a decade, not even a century, i want you forever, until the end of never. i am placing my hands up in the air, in sweet surrender, and take me as your prisoner cause i do not want to let go. not even in my dreams. you own me, and i am too helplessly falling in love each moment. please do not depart from my system. cause you are my relief, the BLUE of my existence.

-mau

MALAYA!

the monologue of the penis

Monday, February 20th, 2006

i love to cry

while i am inside your cave.

i love to get hard

and eventually get soft.

i can not be long forever

impotence is inevitable.

if i could get my head in your throat

then i can make the world fly.

but there is nothing agonizing

than being kept in dark place

where i am covered.

unlike the fingers and eyes, who are exposed

and i can not be used in anything

but to take a piss

and make a grand entrance in a cave

and an exit of weakness.

i can only be touched by master

and the partner of my master

which somehow makes me dizzy

i can not recognize who’s the partner of my master.

sex- as they call it…

and i call it job.

lust for some…

procreation for me.

love on the line,

and my banging head inside the cave of endless muscles.

can never be free from two balls

hanging at the edge of my every action.

as my master screams for his mighty orgasm

i am left in tears of sperm…

with only two fate on the edge,

will you be a baby, or another stain on the bedsheet?

-mau

malaya!

russian roulette

Saturday, February 18th, 2006

Russian roulette is the practice of placing one round in a revolver, spinning the cylinder and closing it into the firearm without looking, aiming the revolver at one’s own head in a suicidal fashion, and pulling the trigger. The number of rounds placed in the revolver can vary.  The number of deaths caused by this practice are unknown. (web source)

this has been my best loved game with my .38 caliber pistol which was eventually snatched by my mom because she hates gun in the house. with that silly game and life at stake i realized three things.

1. a gun with no bullet is an artwork. not a firearm.

2. when you are not bound to die, you will never be.

3. one bullet could change your faith on things.

after 7 years, i realized that i placed my head at stake many times playing the pistol game. i placed so much on the line, with my agony of death at stake(not that i am suicidal or anything). but now, if that bullet finished me off i won’t have the luck of my russian roulette today.

it seems God, played russian roulette when He decided to have my fate directly hit yours. it was a last bullet that was intended to uplift my soul closer to heaven, and how you assured me with your pure love. and all that i could ask now from Him is shoot me more. one bullet to last, not a minute too late, not a minute too fast. thanks.

mau

malaya!

BLUE world

Thursday, February 9th, 2006

you are gone…

and it is worth celebrating. chasing liberty and freedom amidst the never ending chaos. i can finally see rainbows after a hundred hours of crying. never ending rainbows…as i close my eyes, i see constellations connecting creating smiles. the good thing from this trip in the abyss is when i go out it is not her vague smiles id see. but a wonderful world with the brightest color BLUE, i let go of the darkness.

-mau

malaya!

at the moment

Tuesday, February 7th, 2006

everything is halted up in mid air… i can not contemplate to write sensible unpersonal sentiments. and thoughts are on the drain. each time i see julia stiles i tend to forget. damn…i am blown away. how many minutes would it take to forget? and how many centuries should occur to remember, losing is easy than gaining. it is easy to mess a canvass, than paint something realistic, it is in abstract that we create an escape of reality.

when i was small, i had this paint brush, i loved this paint brush so much, that i keep it with me even when i will sleep. but one morning i woke up, and almost scream to death when i saw that my favorite paint brush broken, right between my little fingers. i cried hard, so hard that i turned blue, and i collapsed. i  can not bear such emotion, because i have a weak heart. it took me three days just to get by that little nonsensical tragedy(but when you are a kid it means more than everything). and when i finally came back to my senses, my father bought me a top, it was a mechanicak top, it makes noises and produces bright lights, but there it was, an empty top. after three weeks i found the top under my bed, its battery leaked, and its spring rusted. but i felt nothing. and after that many toys came and go, but i felt numb. once is enough for me to feel sorry of losing. because the stake here is my life or the thing that i should cling on. but i love my life, more than  i love the struggle. so there is no point of crying over broken paint brush. at the moment… its my heart not yours.

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

the chill in my spine

Saturday, February 4th, 2006

Who is to blame after the stampede after the wowowee incident? is it the structure of the stadium? is it the people who raged for the prizes? or the government after such inflation and vat increase? or the management of abs-cbn that lures masses to swim the deep waters of uncertainty?

Nobody wants to kill somebody, but a price to pay for the truth is relevantly expensive. I woke up with a chill in my spine to hear that my fellow Filipinos was strucked by scuh tragedy. Aquilino Pimentel was right and i agree with him, but to some extent a comment of accepting failure is not compensated by this tragic loss of life. We are in a drowning economy, we can not just lament and see that the IMF slowly gobbles whats left of us. The WTO in the near future will force trade embargo mainly on our agricultural product to give way to Most Favaoured Nations, and we could only be third country affiliates of this trade practice, using the archipelago as an entrance and exit of illegal/smuggled products from neighboring asian countries.

how many stampedes and falls should we take, before we finally say we had enough of these circus. i really should not worry, but i am not a worthless filipino, i believed in what my forefathers believed, i am not ready to accept the fact that we are only brown men in this white world. if we work together and increase productivity and pull trigger on these so called traditional politicians we could make a difference. there is a future in philippines and i refuse to give up believeing that the only way to save our mother country is the unity in diversity. the wars in mindanao, wars amongst the npa and government, the wars of the common masses for each day in poverty has an end. although it could not be ended or mended overnight, but each one should make a drastic change. IT IS BY REFUSING TO ACCEPT REALITY THAT WE CAN ONLY ACQUIRE DEVELOPMENT. i pray for the innocent victims in th stampede, may they have a wowowee in paradise.chills in my spine…unaffected are you? how shameful…if you are… i can’t bear to call you Human. ones problem added up together, is everyones problem.

-darkmau-

MALAYA!

burn out

Thursday, February 2nd, 2006

we work to earn buy the things to suffice our vanity, fulfill our needs and save some for future investment. we strive to survive each day, trying to surpass what we had accomplished yesterday, we never get tired of the cycle that we have to move to earn, we have to walk and find ourself in the middle going no where… career burn out.

if we were not born with silver spoon we have to worry, in a few years or more we are going nowhere. middle aged yuppie in a traffic light of convergence of e-commerce, we are now, looking down to the ground trying to find a penny. financial markets will have its fuse worn out, each that rely on networks will have its own internal chaos, accidentally or intentionally. this could be inevitable, for centuries order and system proved to be fallible. anything calculated by human mind will never be one hundred effecient.

my fear is not going nowhere, my fear is losing all the knowledge i have accumulated just to keep me going,everything that rely on Uncle Sam’s mercy will crumble, the growing economy of Chairman Mao’s people slowly breaks the egg of silence, and with their work culture and merciless saturation of cheap labour and practice of the six sigma they can really make it to the top. and after years of using english as the global corporate language we have to struggle trying to arm ourselves with mandarin tongue.

so all our western knowledge will be obsolete, and things learned in the street chants will be replaced. the environment is slowly losing its luster, slowly industry eats up the atmosphere, bodies of water and soil plus the apathy of common human, we are really near in our end, everything has its tolerance limit. we had been talking and debating much on morality but to extent of reality there is no such thing as morality, we act by the way we were brought up, we live not to be righteous nor to be morally right, we just live because our culture dictates our being. the emergence of popular culture is a virus that crawled over our system and it teaches us the very first premise of this entry. the fads, fashion, the needs. gone are the days when people looked at the ground and loved it, gone are the days where you respect your boss, gone are the days where you have faith with the network systems, everything is going nowhere. charitable institutions were born not to help the needy, its reality is to save the companies from big chunks of tax payments, any money or asset diversified to as charity is non taxable. Non government organization work not really to fulfill their duty to asnwer the human need, or because of emphaty, they work because they are funded by the same GLOBAL institutions who kill the economy of the developing countries. NGO give much incentives on these people who work real hard, but to some extent i just cant help but question the sustainability of development. and if  aid is really given whole heartedly then why such things like documentations are not presented truthfully? i should know, i have been in that line of work, and if you are planning to work on that field here are some advise. It is true that you earn much on this institutions, but save your money, you will be needing the money after the program ended, or maybe you will not be able to reach the end you might quit. second never tell your boss that you have the skill to do special stuffs, it will never be compensated. and when your boss insists on a wild idea on a limited budget just raise your hand and say "it can not be done". always avoid complications, program managers especially the not so young ones tends to be grumpy…always mind the generation gap. and if all things don’t come your way, stand up and go. there is big world for people like you.

and lastly when you are out of that network you will miss the part of having sleepless nights. and you will always have to work again to match the first sentece. and again career burn out. never ending turning, just to find yourself somewhere in the middle going nowhere.

-darkmau-

MALAYA!