man in the fridge

the acoustic sound of the guitar and the melody slowly melts her heart. he was standing in the rain outside of her window. with his stance he just wants her back and he seems to look positive yet he was sad, which only proves he was nothing without her. and on the verge of tears on her eye she was about to close the curtain and she slowly walks on the door. but as she was closing the curtain, she remembered all the things they both went through, all the fights and all the pains the guy caused her. she was walking towards the door and she felt her hand shaking, remembering the time when she was slapped by the guy outside a busy market on one Saturday afternoon. the acoustic guitar, that soothes her ears suddenly became a noise, the mood for romance slowly changing. the air of love became hate, the light she found in the rain and on the circle of violence suddenly locks her thoughts. she went to the door not to open it, but to make sure its locked. she went to the CD player and turned it off. and she turned the lights off and she went to bed in tears…. not because of sorrow, but because of her courage to be free.

so he who was outside slowly walked away, with a sad song on his mind. soaking went in the rain he mumbled a short poetry.

im a fucked up little moron

took violence

circle it

and slowly turned it

a weapon of lust, love and hate.

im a fucked up little moron,

not knowing where to go

without her i know im going on no more

is there something more i could do

when everything in my life is saying no

the once sweet is now bitter

a fucked up little moron is now a litter

the thing that goes on know is the question why

no reply

prayers are lost…

he went on, moving while he was dragging his feet at each step. he was angry, he was devastated, in the verge of strange rage of hatred but to whom… clueless. to let go, or to fight? fight for what? a reason that is constantly bent down, sanity suffering. 

she woke up with a reggae music in her head, she was jolly, she went to the kitchen made her a cup of tea and stayed on her sofa. she saw their picture, she held it and she placed it down. and she wrote something.

today i am free. if love is love then it will find me. if time is time then it shall go on, like days that carries memories. this where i start where i exactly ended.

and she went back to bed.

he came again, but this time he had flowers. and left it right in front of her door. and went away.

in the morning when she was about to go to the office, she saw the flowers, she found a note and she read it.and it says:

love in the middle ground, where we are both confused is not worth fighting for. where love is lust and lust is violent. and it circles in my path. i looked for answer and i found none. yes, it could have been sweeter, but things are bitter.

she smiled. kept the note and threw the flowers in the bin.

and i woke up.that was a nice dream…never mix tequila with vodka… it is lethal.

mau

MALAYA!

girl: hello

boy: hello

girl: u alright?

boy: im fine, thank you. how are you?

girl: im okay

boy: so hows your vacation

girl: its fine…. (murmurs)

boy: i see

girl: im coming back this april 9, meet me if you have time

boy: yeah okay.

girl: how’s your school?

boy: its still standing

girl: ok

boy: just let me know when you will be coming

girl:….

boy: hello

girl: sige na…

boy: (puzzled) ok, ingat. luv u

girl: bye…

boy: hello.. luv u

girl: luv u too…

boy: (hangs up)

a few moments later text came…

"Y u bein lyk ds? av i don sumtin wrng? pls tel me! m sori i called, nxt tym i wont bother @least sum1 wud aprec8 it..u bin hot n cold 2wards me, juz b honest!action speaks louder ryt? nw wot am isuppose to tink? cge i will let  knw nlang pag nasa uk na me…dnt wana disturb u.ingatz n god bless. love u x

boy thinking… sent a reply explaining. saying that he is a mess and all cause he miss the girl so much. while the girl was having her holiday, the boy is left in the UK because of school and work. so the boy is left to wait.

the boy is bit lonely and he tries to keep in touched with the girl, but the bad thing was, the boy was about to die, due to high fever, and still he needed to attend class. and girl texts pissed off about this. but the boy could really not miss the class, and the girl did not consider. good thing the boy did not miss out his class, because he is on big trouble, due to some policies set out by his school he could be sacked. so boy explains and girl understands. again they are cool.

but after the conversation above they are now again left in middair. boy could not really keep in touch, he is currently flat broke due to some medicines he bought when he was sick, and he also needed to pay some obligations. while the boy is in deep shit, he just keeps quiet and never did bother the girl, who was currently having fun on holiday, the boy doesnt want to ruin such rest and recreation of the girl. but in reality the boy is in the deep shit level, and a miracle could save him.

boy is worried sick… girl worried sick… a deadlock of emotion. girl thinks about the boy, the boy thinks more than what the girl thinks. boy feels that this should not consume him so he tries to sort things little by little, the only problem is the boy needs the girl. which boils down to another problem which is quite complicated. boy understands… and patiently waits. boy sits down and pray… the girl on the other hand.. is still on holiday. God bless them both.

mau

MALAYA!

she speaks and he listens

he who moves and she stops

she smiles and he frowns

he hugs her and she cries

the irony…

she wanted to be free and he lets him be.

he sleeps on his own,

and she feels alone.

he wants her

she needs him,

he pleads

she declines.

so he went.

she was restless,

he was nowhere.

she got tired, she slept.

"Good night" he said to her.

mau

MALAYA!

i went out with my Korean classmate with her friends for lunch in a classy Korean restaurant. hmm, the ambiance was Korean, the waitresses were very pretty Korean, well what do i expect American atmosphere? silly me. well, the menu was like a thin encyclopedia…it was much heavy than my global business book(contains about 900 pages in heavy print). and when i was trying to read the menu i could not understand a thing, so i asked my classmate which is by the way named sue,but i call her auntie sue because she is much older than me, and she suggested that i should try buguli(i forgot the spelling but i think they sound the same) it was a marinated beef served with soup rice and kimchi. so i opted for that one. i was just trying to keep quiet since they were all Koreans and i could not understand a thing(and auntie sue told me that it was a good thing that i dont understand their language cause they were swearing alot) ahh thats good! everything is new for me, i never really tried to explore Korean cuisine and Korean culture(so im an alien in this restaurant, where 95% looks like they came from the movie sassy girl) and it was my chance to move out of the dim sum and plain noodles. everything was going fine not until i realized one thing.

i forgot how to use the chopsticks!!! no kidding! it should be a mechanical skill and an idiot would only forget this thing. so count me in, im one of those idiots. and the funny thing was it was only two weeks prior to that i have been enjoying sushi using chopsticks and my mom taught me well(tough luck and sorry ma) i really could not figure how to use it. and so i told auntie sue if she could request for a fork for me, although technically being a Filipino we could eat with our bare hands but i dont want to spoil the fine experience. and auntie sue was blabbering "oh mau you should learn how to use the chopsticks, it would disgrace your Chinese ancestors" great! my ancestors now might be on their belly laughing at my situation! great thing they dont visit me at night and i am praying they would not have internet access in the after life, cause if they do, they might comment on this blog telling how idiot i could get. and young, auntie sue’s friend told her, leave the boy alone, let him be… ahh that was a relief. but if she only knew what was going on in my head i could have been given a good washing of brain so that i would not forget motor skills like that!

anyway, going on, i was eating the food, and i must admit it was good! well here comes young interrupting, asking me how is the food and i answered nice. and she was frowning, come on mau, you do better description on the food. ahhh great now i should be more descriptive. great, real great. i hated writing short stories because i suck in describing. but to give you a better picture, the color of the beef was brown, i think it was tenderized well to be soft, and it was garnished with onions and marinated with special spices and mushrooms. the taste of the beef was tangy, spicy and a little bit salty, with the zest of sweetness that would roll in you tongue as you bite the meat. and the aroma just goes in smoothly to your senses waking up your hungry stomach, and you eat it with rice and it was very very sumptuous. whew! i hope this would be enough to compensate the question asked by young. and oh by the way, for the drink, i ordered still water, i hope you all know the taste of water because it will be so hard for me to describe the taste of water. hahaha(im am laughing) and for the finale, we had our melon for dessert or i think it was honey dew, i am not so sure. but well it was worth it. and when it was paying time, i reached for my wallet and brought out £20 for my share on the lunch, they all threatened me, that if i pay will be killed. geez my stomach felt rolling upside down.

it was not leap year but the girls are treating a boy out for lunch. it could be manna from heaven for some but not for me, i feel so ashamed. but still i am grateful for having foreign friends here in this weird city called London. oh by the way, im going to practice my chopsticks skill again, because i promised auntie sue i will learn it in two weeks time. i just hope i will not forget again. tough luck! wish me luck though!

mau

MALAYA!

dear…

things changed and i am getting older, my composure and my life is slowly passing by. as i watch the clouds and all the things behind me, i can not help but shed a tear, each day i could remember you alive. when all your kisses were once so real, and your touch was all that mattered and everything is oblivious to my existence. i never really wept when your parents told me you did not make it, all i could do back then was look up, trying to figure out things. i am lost until the day they cremated you, and all your ashes thrown somewhere and i could not bear to be there on that ceremony, it was a hard thing to ignore while i was trying to focus all my mind to my final exam. i wept a little and smiled a lot, no more pain for you, no more chemo that makes you feel sick, no more medicines and doctors can stop pressing your beautiful skin. and in my memory you will always be beautiful, although i must admit it was hell, when you told me that i must throw everything you gave me, if in any case you could not survive it. but i did it anyway,maybe because i was afraid that i could not contain the pain each time i could see things that contain your life, your hand writings, your memories…your love. there are nights when i would still wake up screaming, because i could dream of you having that pain, or at times when i would get rude or simply bad to my relationship, you were always there to warn me off. even though you are life less, you never failed to keep me off my senses. although i can not help but wonder, what could have been if you did not die, maybe everything could have been different. or what could have happened if you allowed me to introduce you to my friends or my family, it could have been easy for me to be understood, but i was too weak to go against your will. the last words you told me, was "go on". but i am not really sure where, i should have asked you that when i had the chance. you were right bout me, im the biggest fool to fall for a girl who will about to go, but it was worth my pain. we kept that relationship secret, i was hurting mad but i could not explain why. you told me you were unfair, i never replied. but yes you were. but with that unfair situation, i learned a lot, i simply collected tears out of darkness, displayed emotions to last a hundred years. im a naive boy when you had me, and until now im still growing up, although im bruised up, im still trying my best now not to get hurt or hurt someone. i never got your fighting spirit, im only amazed to watch you smile after each painful attack of cancer, i wonder how you managed to stay beautiful and live a normal life for four months. before you finally lay down. i dont want to be down, its quite sometime now; before i went abroad, i visited your favorite place, many things changed. but the enigmatic aura of your presence could be felt, the same magical feeling when i first talked to you. a young boy trying to get the attention of a mature woman, you were laughing when i told you id go through hell for you, but on your deathbed, it was much more than hell. i could not even tell your folks who i was in your life. we kept it so secret, that we only had a world of our own. well it was your idea, and maybe it was for the better. but it was real. where ever you are now, please be happy. "something in me told me to get close and bahala na kung ano ang mangyayari" remember those where my first words when i first spoke to you. and you told me "you will be the biggest fool, if you will fall for a girl who is about to go". and evrything went like just a flash.it is worth writing now, since you told me to go on. i am moving on, after quite sometime of wandering. thanks for living…for everything.

mau

MALAYA!

di tulad ng pag-ibig nyang malawak

ang mundo niya ay nawawasak

sa bawat araw, luha ang pumapatak.

at sa bawat kataga, punlo’y nakatarak.

pag-ibig na dakila, kaniyang inaalay

taos puso at pang habang buhay,

ngunit sa isang taong hindi pala tunay.

ang inakala nyang tuwa, ay isa palang lumbay.

hindi niya akalain, na kahit sa sakit

ay nakaya niya pang pumikit.

at sa maliit niyang mundo mamilipit.

isang tunay na pag-ibig kaniyang palaging sambit.

ang galit at poot sa puso nakimkim

parang ulap na kulimlim

naghihintay sa kidlat, upang ulan ay lumabas

at sa pananahimik tuluyang mag aklas.

ngunit sa mundo niyang maliit,

hindi niya maipilit

na itama ang mali…

at sa ngiti pilit niya itong kinukubli.

-naghihimutok sa gitna ng kawalan…nagmamakaawa na bumalik ang katinuan-

mau

MALAYA!

the guy is called mike. he was a simple guy with simple dreams. he seldom talks about stuffs but everyone knew he has the potential to create something big. but being good, mike is in love with the girl name Mari. Mari on the other hand, is the opposite of of mike, she was loud and she was always stunning, and she was the town princess. everyone looked up on her.

but there is a problem, although Mari liked mike, she could not let him know. because Mari is set to marry a rich, educated guy from abroad, whose name is chad. chad was a demi-GOD, he wanted everything according to his will. he doesn’t tolerate failures and he holds Mari like a marionette puppet. and Mari can not do anything about it, because her dad signed a contract to chad that Mari will be married to him in exchange for the freedom as a slave of Chad’s family.

Mari is a sweet girl, smart and always on Chad’s family gathering. Chad’s mom who is very sophisticated like Mari and she was nice to Mari, and even Chad’s dad who is known to have little respect for women, liked Mari, and at times Mari is given a lot of presents because Chad’s parents liked her very much. but Mari, did not love chad, because chad is a major pain in her system, chad controls her life, and even at times she is being hurt physically. and Mari could not do anything but cry.

mike knew everything about this, but he was silent. he loved Mari so much that he knew if he would do anything stupid that will be the end for the family of Mari, and given the fact that mike had little in life, all he had was talent and determination, but not enough cash to bail out the family of Mari from slavery. but mike really loved Mari, so he decided to confront Mari with a letter. and the letter went like this.

     dearest Mari,

           in deepest solitude, i searched for answers to my questions. but nothing gave me an answer. i am in deep chaos knowing that you can never be mine. but nonetheless i have nothing to lose, i have shared my silence in darkness and watched you in tears each night. i heard each swears he made and the physical violence that he gave you, yet at those times i can not do anything. each day i see you cry, is each day i die. and each laments you share with shadows is my grave. but one day, i will set you free from his control. one day i will make you happy.

yours,

mike

tears rolled up in Mari’s eye as she read mike’s letter. not because of sadness, but because of happiness.Mari loved mike since time in memorial. Mari loved mike since they were young, but mike being the constant shadow, he just kept his silence. but Mari now in desperation replied to mike’s letter.

mike,

there is a butterfly fields over the north, if you truly love me then you must meet me there. i will meet you on the first day of July, and everything you wanted about me will be yours. i shall just set my family so that they should go too. mike i have waited for long time for you to finally admit that you love me too. i loved you the first time i saw you. and each time chad is near me, i always thought of you. you will be my man for as long as i live and longer than that.

yours alone,

Mari

it was two weeks before the first of July, so Mari worked on to set her family and make them escape the fate of slavery. the plan was set and two nights before the first of July her family left. and chad had no idea of it. now on the midnight of the first day of July, Mari slowly went outside to set her journey on butterfly fields, but chad was no fool, he knew Mari was up to something, he stood by the gate of the mansion. and slowly showed his shadow to Mari. and told Mari "if you think you can set your foot right off this mansion, then you should think again. you have nothing if you will leave this premises, your family left you, and nobody loves you, basically Mari, you have nothing and i am the only one here for you. and if you really want to leave then i must kill you first before you can be truly free."

Mari in desperation to escape told chad "if you feel that i am afraid of you then you are wrong. for quite sometime you have been controlling me, now is my time to be free, you know that i do not love you, and you know that the only reason why i stay with you is because my father signed a contract in exchange for slavery freedom.but i am really tired chad…i do not want this anymore."

but chad was a man of symphaty, he let Mari go. but when Mari was about to leave the gate, something strucked chad, and he suddenly pulled a revolver from its holster stucked on his side and shot Mari on the back thrice. and Mari fell on the ground, saying the name mike.and she died on that instant.

chad lifted Mari’s body and went to butterfly fields, because that place is an isolated place and it is rarely visited by people. but when chad arrived there he saw mike who was patiently waiting for her Mari, but when mike saw that it was chad carrying a lifeless body of a woman, he was enraged! he knew that it was Mari and chad did something to Mari. and mike ran to get close to chad, and when mike saw the lifeless body of Mari he snapped, and  he fell on the ground picked a pointed rock and with all might strucked chad on the neck. and he pounded chad with mighty blows and chad was left powerless, mike became the devil, and chad was the prey.

but to the extent of mike’s rage, he can not undo the pain he felt inside. mari is now dead. and he was left alone. mike did not kill chad, but chad suffered big, he could not talk now and his brain was affected with such heavy blows. mike left the town, and wandered afar. littled did mike know, that on that day, there was a letter made by Mari for him that was hidden under her pillows.

my dearest mike,

if unfortunately i can not make it this night, do not be in despair, for even in dreams i will always be in you, i waited for you, and i shall not be in vain. i shall make you see that with your courage admitting that you love someone, then with your courage and love i will be free. i love you mike and forever i will be yours. even in death.

yours alone,

Mari

and the story ended.

mau

MALAYA!

its such a cruel world that we all have to move by numbers, we can not just stop or keep moving. the moment we find love, is the moment we find the perfect poison for suicide. the sun that hits your eye, is the sun that will make you blind. the things you knew before are only illusion set by shadows of uncertainty. ahh the perfection of life lies only on the imperfection of the songs we rarely sing. the more we evade the more we collide head on. it is all about life, but it falls short in fallacy. hmm… is truth edible?

mau

MALAYA!

waking high in the freezing cold morning of a country that is never yours sometimes alienates your senses to what it truly feels, add the nagging presence of the tag line "mothers know best", well for good fact i have not been with her for half of my life. how could someone really know me well if i have not seen here in my puberty days. when i graduated from highschool to college? when i had my first piercing, my first heartache, my intoxicating sessions with shadows, she was nowhere, now at this stage she acts as if she really knows me. too bad, too bad, even my closest friends can’t get through my head, those friends that stays with me 24/7 dont have any idea how i think, feel or even talk. i am amazed that one could truly say i will fail, well in fact i am already a failure. i can not fully fathom the stage of cruelty of such chaotic logic she brings in her own system, but this morning is not a good morning for me. what should i have? hmm…tea, or coffee? neither…i want freedom!

mau

MALAYA!

flowers and chocolates, is a song that was saved in the archives of Star Fm Davao, that they don’t really play. But our good Friend Mark was quite a guy, he plays that song every night for his program slot. it is a sweet song but i really doubt if it had reached the top slots during countdowns. well the song just reminded me of the past days that we could never really live again.  what done is done and what has come to pass can not be mended, it can only be rectified by learning but not altering its scenario. well mark got scolded many times by the manager for playing that song, because it was not really popular and it never really pleased the ear of the manager, but i liked it, mark liked it and even my best friend carle who was by the way working for Star Fm(that time)  liked it, in short we all liked it. the song was melodic, and it is a story about a lost love, the girl was telling the guy about lost promises and empty prophecies. maybe we liked that song because in a way it showed us the reality of how stupid guys could get at times. flowers and chocolates for the first few days, love songs… and being gone after. sad realization for living a life in romance to bitter endings. i just cant forget those times when we used to listen to that song as mark would play it and we would just stay outside the booth and puff our out with the cigarette we bought around the corner. now its too long gone, mark has his own life, so is carle, and me somewhere in the middle. the song had its short lived fame but for my ears, it will always be a good song to be played.

mau

MALAYA!