man in the fridge

dear…

things changed and i am getting older, my composure and my life is slowly passing by. as i watch the clouds and all the things behind me, i can not help but shed a tear, each day i could remember you alive. when all your kisses were once so real, and your touch was all that mattered and everything is oblivious to my existence. i never really wept when your parents told me you did not make it, all i could do back then was look up, trying to figure out things. i am lost until the day they cremated you, and all your ashes thrown somewhere and i could not bear to be there on that ceremony, it was a hard thing to ignore while i was trying to focus all my mind to my final exam. i wept a little and smiled a lot, no more pain for you, no more chemo that makes you feel sick, no more medicines and doctors can stop pressing your beautiful skin. and in my memory you will always be beautiful, although i must admit it was hell, when you told me that i must throw everything you gave me, if in any case you could not survive it. but i did it anyway,maybe because i was afraid that i could not contain the pain each time i could see things that contain your life, your hand writings, your memories…your love. there are nights when i would still wake up screaming, because i could dream of you having that pain, or at times when i would get rude or simply bad to my relationship, you were always there to warn me off. even though you are life less, you never failed to keep me off my senses. although i can not help but wonder, what could have been if you did not die, maybe everything could have been different. or what could have happened if you allowed me to introduce you to my friends or my family, it could have been easy for me to be understood, but i was too weak to go against your will. the last words you told me, was "go on". but i am not really sure where, i should have asked you that when i had the chance. you were right bout me, im the biggest fool to fall for a girl who will about to go, but it was worth my pain. we kept that relationship secret, i was hurting mad but i could not explain why. you told me you were unfair, i never replied. but yes you were. but with that unfair situation, i learned a lot, i simply collected tears out of darkness, displayed emotions to last a hundred years. im a naive boy when you had me, and until now im still growing up, although im bruised up, im still trying my best now not to get hurt or hurt someone. i never got your fighting spirit, im only amazed to watch you smile after each painful attack of cancer, i wonder how you managed to stay beautiful and live a normal life for four months. before you finally lay down. i dont want to be down, its quite sometime now; before i went abroad, i visited your favorite place, many things changed. but the enigmatic aura of your presence could be felt, the same magical feeling when i first talked to you. a young boy trying to get the attention of a mature woman, you were laughing when i told you id go through hell for you, but on your deathbed, it was much more than hell. i could not even tell your folks who i was in your life. we kept it so secret, that we only had a world of our own. well it was your idea, and maybe it was for the better. but it was real. where ever you are now, please be happy. "something in me told me to get close and bahala na kung ano ang mangyayari" remember those where my first words when i first spoke to you. and you told me "you will be the biggest fool, if you will fall for a girl who is about to go". and evrything went like just a flash.it is worth writing now, since you told me to go on. i am moving on, after quite sometime of wandering. thanks for living…for everything.

mau

MALAYA!

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006 at 12:19 pm and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.