man in the fridge

tinik sa lalamunan
umagang walang katapusan
puyatang walang hanggan
sa delubyo ng kawalan.
di na mahanap
di na mahagilap
napawi na ng ulap
tuluyan na nga yatang lumisan
kasabay sa pagtigil ng ulan.

sabay na hinagkan
pagtatapos ng kadiliman
sa malayang espasyo
doon lamang patungo,
sa maluwang na kalawakan
at walang hanggang kaligayahan
sa matamis na pag ibig at kahapong kay pait
isang tagay
upang mailagay.
ang oras na humihinto
upang hintayin ang pag tigil ng pagpaso
ng likidong tinawatawag na asido.

mau
Malaya!

A friend once told me that i have a problem in holding on. Obviously the comment was made to whatever purpose it would serve. Well that friend told me that i am a Rockeeter, and i asked her what does a rockeeter means, well she simply meant that i am always aware of what is coming ahead, and i will never be caught off guard. And I told her that i am not that kind of guy. And she just smiled.

After that talk we never had the chance to be together, i left for abroad and she went somewhere in Luzon. and she found out i was in London she e-mailed me and said.

"You almost had everything way back here, why gamble much and give up almost every single luxury you have? You never fail to amaze me, mau you have the world at your finger tips yet you strive for something more ahead. May God bless a rockeeter soul. In every way mau you are always darkness, difficult to contain, just when i thought i captured your existence the more i was led astray. till here."

and i smiled when i read that e-mail, she was right, what the hell was i thinking going in a foreign place when i had so much to lose. i could turn myself in hell at an instant. yet i had to do it, i have a problem holding on to the present, i wander far beyond just to keep up with my existence. in this world where everything moves swiftly and each day doesnt last, one must give up in order to survive. but only a few people know, that when i hold on to something, i don’t let go. i only stand on a ground worth believing.

mau

MALAYA!

ok so im flying again. my mind is nowhere, my soul lies somewhere where the trains stops and collides with the bus. or something like that. but i am struck when one my friend told me that everything happens for a reason that God only knows. hmm that made me wonder… if God knows everything then i should ask him 21question that is under my contemplation. the list goes long over a thousand but id stick to the first 21.

1. Why is there life?

2. Why create evil?

3.What is the essence of time?

4.What are the elements of Love?

5.If sex is procreation, then what is pleasure?

6.Why create freewill with boundaries?

7.If morality is changing, then what is truth?

8. Creation all came from you, then where are you from?

9.What is your language?

10. Where is heaven? or hell?

11.To what extent is the boundary of space?

12.Do you know each of our name?

13.Is evil your mortal enemy? and what is it?

14.Do you determine our lives?

15.Do you hear our prayers?

16.Is knowledge infinite?

17.Why is the world round(or close to being round)?

18.Why allow chaos?

19. You created the Garden of Eden, it was beautiful i guess, but why did you allow the serpent to be there?

20. If there is eternal life after this life, are there more lives after that?

21. How do you determine death and the cause of it?

this is not my attempt to test my faith, but rather to enlighten my mind about things. this is not about finding answers, i believe one way or so, it will come. maybe in a way or so God will answer one or two or maybe the whole bunch of my questions. we just do not know, God knows…God ONLY knows.

mau

MALAYA!

gabi na noon, di ako mapakali pumunta ako sa aking nagiisang shock absorber ang part time sensitive kong bestfriend si carle. sabi ko "tor wala na" sabi nya "unsa imo plano?"(ano ang plano mo?). tahimik akong yumuko at luluha na sana, ng maalala ko na pag umiyak ako, isusumpa ko ang buong buhay ko dahil aaraw arawin ako ng kantiyaw ng walang hiya kong kaibigan. so sabi ko sa kanya puntahan na lang natin sa labas ng kanyang dorm baka sakali may pag asa pa. nung time na yun medyo desperado na ako, bad trip lang wala akong kotse non, kaya wala akong choice kundi ang maging mabait kay carle dahil sya ang may wheels(si IPIT the XRM motorcycle). so dumaan kami sa may convenience store para bumili ng aming paboritong chippy(yung blue) at chuckie(alam niyo na yun kung ano si chuckie), piatos yung cheese at siempre isang kahang marlboro lights na gold. tapos dumiretso kami sa labas ng dorm niya(kung nagbabasa ka ngayon, oo ikaw yun), it was about 11pm naka uniform pa ko ng opisina si carle naman parang rugby boy ang porma dahil matutulog na sana siya nung ginulo ko siya. so in short para kaming manghaharana si carle ang kakanta at ako yung manager. tinext ko siya ng ilang beses(di ko maalala yung messages, pero alam ko naiiyak na ako nun) tinawagan ko siya ng ilang beses(oo alam ko praning ako) di sya sumagot at di sya nagparamdam, so ang ginawa namin ni carle kumain kami sa labas ng dorm niya, kala niya mawawalan kami ng gana sa ginawa niya, hindi noh. makalipas ang 2 chuckie, dalawang chippy at isang piatos, at 7 sticks ng yosi kumaway ako sa balcony para magpaalam at sumibat na kami ni carle. mag aala una na yun and to think of andaming dumadaaan dahil hospital road yun, so kung makikita mo kami ni carle, ang scenario eh ako yung pasahero at si carle ay yung colorum na pumapasadang motor.  sabi ko kay carle wala na talaga. so sumibat na kami.

after few months or so, ewan sa di ko maintindihan ang pagkakataon nagtext ako o nagtext sya, okay ang texting session namin kahit may mga iniinterview ako sa area eh tuloy pa rin ang pag pindot ko sa keypad. di ko alam kung bakit ganon ang scenario, parang walang nangyari tuloy lang ang lahat. tapos naputol na nanaman ang communication. ewan siguro ganon talaga pag busy yung isa tapos yung isa naghahabol para lang makasama siya.

ilang buwan pa ang lumipas, kumupas na yung coloured hair ko. balik ulit sa itim , nag resign na ako sa mindanao land, muli kaming nagkausap, text ulit, ok nanaman kami, yun pala akala lang namin yun. bigla nanaman siyang nawala, may topak talaga siya. undecided palagi siya sa gusto niya. oo napapagod na ako sa kakahithit at kakabuga ng yosi para lang makapag isip kung san ba kami papunta. mahigit isang taon na ganon ang takbo.

tapos isang buwan na naman ang lumipas, im currently bumming around and i was getting good at it, tapos si carle was getting serious sa kanyang pagdedeejay(plus iba pang activities, for more info ask miel)  tapos ayun nasa manila siya ng rereview para sa exam niya, ako naman si gago biglang nabuhayan ng dugo, hayyy eto nanaman po kami. ROLLERCOASTER talaga ang aming takbo, naglalaro, nagsasayaw sa choices. oo at hindi ang hirap sagutin, isang bagay na palaging nabibitin.

tapos umo oo siya, pero di naman kami nagkikita(so parang wala) buti libre ang mga tawag sa PLDT unlimited blah blah.. pero tulad ng inaasahan mula pa nung umpisa wala kaming pupuntahan. bumitaw siya sa panahong sobra ko siyang kailangan.sabi ko na nga ba dapat tumigil na ako nung nagpicnic kami sa labas ng dorm niya. hayy.

pero ang tanong bakit ko sinulat ito? sagot, dahil nakakain na naman ako ng blue na chippy naalala ko si carle, yung motor at ang katapusan nung umpisa. hohum… tutulog muna ako.(may kanta si carle about geojoes and pirata bar and many more)

-para kay carle salamat sa escapades TOR!memories are forever… awooo!

mau

MALAYA!

i never had the chance to have a story book when i was a child. nobody ever told me a bed time story, it was a typical Filipino setting, after 7:30pm you should be off to bed. i was four years old that time, my mom went to manila and i was left with my dad back in davao. normally i sleep close to my mom, but she was not around so i had to be with my dad. my dad is your typical dad, silent and cold yet he is deep as an ocean.

for the first time i had my bed time story, well it was not a typical, mother bear, father bear theme the topic was about life. in plain details, not using baby language my dad told me the story about time and oppurtunity. he knew i was a loner, i rarely go out to play with other kids, i hated the noise of the vehicles and the smell of the drainage nearby. so he told me an incident in his life. he told me friends are friends but when i grow old i must choose wisely, there are things in  life that are plainly decieving. he told that life is a thing of many reasons and life can not be outlived, but we can only choose  for the future only by living to the present. and success is not measured by all the things you gain in life or all the scars you have in the end.but by the time that you to fall down.

he told me that anything that goes up must come down, sooner or later. and as i was trying to fake a sleep, he concluded, destiny is not a matter of chance… it is a matter of choice. i remembered it so well, that i got a leaping 100 marks on my english composition when i used that phrase when i was in elementary.

but last night as i tried to sleep, i figured out, my father missed the idea of fate. we choose life but life does not choose us, it just happen. living is easy, but feeling is not.

mau

MALAYA!

the infinite ticking of the clock

that marks each second,

a memory of you

that would forever linger in me.

the silence of the night,

in my own fear of losing you

to fate or time that it could be bent,

i give faith that it could be mended.

at the sight of darkness

and the feeling of despair

or the chaotic order

i refuse to hand you over.

if it is my death,

that i shall not set you free.

then i shall die in closed fist

but not losing my faith.

and if everything cease to exist in reality

then i shall deny reality,

it is proven that one can love

without understanding.

i shall only set you free,

if you will be free.

and i shall not cease to fight for you

until everything is through.

with each train ride,

and long days of waiting.

a hundred minutes of sorrow,

and my rage over that psycho.

as i take each step.

as each day i weep.

and in the end all i can do

is watch you sleep.

mau

MALAYA!

there are five things i learned in London. it is not new but hell, it is a worthwhile experience. So far i learned how to

1)Use Knife and Fork- I hate formal affairs. anything that involves, black and white and anything that needs a lot of grooming and well behaving. and much more i hate using knife and fork for such occasions of formal dinner and business dinners. but when i came here, it came off naturally-i suck at it! but the only way to be here is to live here, which basically means do what the locals do, and eventually you’d be in a position you really hate, as for me its behaving well.

2)Use Chopsticks Galore- The world is a diversified place yet as time goes by it starts to become smaller with such multi cultural dimension flourish. and as everything progress the world becomes a thing in a palm where everything is shortened and could and might collide without any intention for destruction. there is no better way than being prepared, so the use of sticks for keeping connected and full is the way to be. the only way to have an eastern friend close is by customizing yourself with knowledge and culture he/she knows. it is not acquiring culture but rather understanding differences. cause one theory is correct in your place and it will be totally wrong in other place.

3)Read IdioT- In a place like this where everything is fast, the only way to catch up is not by speeding up, but by reading up and bearing in mind the essential importance of learning. it is never a mistake to learn more and if you dont know do not speak , the more you talk with empty words the more you will sacked for deeper embarrassment. a single tiny knowledge doesnt make one a genius. but a hungry mind that is feed through reading is more powerful than a nuclear bomb.dont ask me why.

4)Say Thank You Ingrate- Gratitude and being polite is one of your gateway to success. for every good deed is rewarded, may not be financially but by some other things. Karma for my Hindu friends. and little by little i am beginning to seek the better side of the road with a little thank you and welcome for everything. and oh a little prayer wont hurt too.

5)Mind the gap- this goes well with my learning number three. reading and minding what you read could be a lethal combination for survival. but this does not apply only to physical structures this could be applied even to people around you. the basic reality of this place is that the only person you could trust is yourself. mind the gap especially when you know you are in a hunting game and you are the prey.. watch your back and if its itchy scratch it.

mau

MALAYa!

what is the most unusual thing you really almost everyday evade? the thing that could set you free that could also kill you, make you or break you,and the only thing that sustains evil. the reality of all reality. unbiased, unopinionated, detailed, precised without the use of any science. and in five letters, it is called TRUTH. good thing it is not absolute. sometimes i hate it.

mau

MALAYA!

- due to confusion of five and six, id like to thank kim for the information…i cant even count it cause i still hate it.

a short cut is the easiest way to get in one destination to the other. everything has its own shortcut, everything has its own instant automatic solution for almost everything. the easy way out, the practical way in. the things about everything, ignoring details, and collecting solutions, undermining the quality and such after effects that might occur. well this morning i tried to short cut a long process of something, and now im waiting for the fallback. 

the part ….

and the fallback is a real pain in my head. multi-tasking is really a big no no no for me. everything seemed to failed each time i cut the process short. not that i want to haste the process but for the reason that i want to learn the logic of the things. i believe that in all long process there are 1000 ways for a short cut to fail, but there will be one short cut that will work. in every single aspect of each process. but come to think of it, if we all find the short cut of everything, there will always be someone who will create another short cut and the process will be never ending. but for every action there is an equal reaction, so for every shortened process, there will be a diminishing order in quality.  in some ways or so, there could be failure.

hmm, i was only wondering why i am writing this. ahh i know, i forgot something when i skipped meal today(breakfast) and i thought it would save me time but as a result i was inefficient today. and that is the fallback. its really not an issue, i just want to know if there is a shorter way than utilizing short cuts.

redundancy kills.

mau

MALaYa!