man in the fridge

maybe one person cant have everything. but it does not hurt if one would try. the thing is he/she might lose everything in the end. and if matters much then the stakes are worth it.

but it is not a sin, that one would take his bow and arrow, aim for the sun and moon, especially if he was once covered with tears and fears, not to mention the scars and pain he keeps behind his armor. life is a journey, and nobody could stop if one man take his giant leap and move a mountain.

one would say that one should be thankful that somebody gave him almost everything. yes its true he should be thankful, but the thing is, did he ask for that? a lot of prayers remain unanswered, and the things we dont ask for usually come our way for some weird reasons that only a God could understand.

And Yes HUMAN BEINGS are born selfish naturally. come to think of this, we were made in the likeness of God, and GOD is selfish, he wants everything, and we are always limited to the fact that we are bound to suffer for having his grace. my apologies for the religious, and no i am not celebrating with the heretics and atheists. i have my faith by the way. and lets leave that issue for now.

so why do people go beyond to what they can handle? maybe because its the fact that life is an ongoing transformation and the only limitation is death, and the only tragedy is not being there on the right place on the right time.

we bite more than what we could chew for the main fact that we have to experience the fact of life that only the fit survives. in this modern jungle of animal instinct, one becomes the prey and one becomes the hunter. get killed or kill, so why the hell are we cracking our brains pushing pen and burning oils just to have that piece of degree certificate that would not be recognized by Jesus Christ or the Devil himself. only because of the fact that we believe we have something more someday somewhere. we innovate to bring changes.

the basic essence of change is to make life easy and complicated. they say money talks, true, but the real issue is not about money, its all about intentions. we judge people because we try to evade the issues against us, we try to bring someone down, due to his IMMORAL behaviors, but hell nobody is perfect.

we always say that love is pure and it should be felt without fear. hell yeah we could go on forever singing serenades and filling mushiness inside our wrecked hypothalamus. but in the end we would only find out love if we truly seek for the meaning of it. If we try to hover the ways of evil, and IMMORALITY then we would know the opposite. but in the end of the day we are all fallible mortals, trying to dust off dead skins, and praising and worshiping Gods. yet we all know none is righteous, none not even one.

the question of worth of one person is not based on how he was given but on how well he gave. the worth of one man is not of his looks not on the level of having to seduce different women at the same time. it is not an achievement if one man could have anyone he wanted, but it is an achievement if he could keep one until he closes his eyes for eternity.

A man may be a womanizer, and a total asshole, but in the end, he will find his way home to a heart of one. and once he made his home his own, no matter where he goes, he will always go back to his one and only home. FROM A HUNDRED in the end There is oNLY ONE. and that is not luck… that is one hell of LOVE…true LOVE… made under pressure…beyond HYPERBOLOKOT circumstance.

DarkMaU

MALAYA!

-hyperbolokot is a term coined by a deejay of ENERGY FM Davao IDOL NICO, it is originally known as bolokot, and I just modified it to hyperbolokot for promotional purposes. it is a term for sexual act or anything to with lusting. -

i take each step,

with hopeless vision;

clouded by fear

and inhibitions.

i see vague realities

on path ahead,

melancholic sighs;

on the air, smelling goodbyes.

i choose not to see time

for it bring forth fear;

the casting shadow

of your insensitivity.

i clench my fist no more

giving up on fighting

and slowly accepting,

our love may have a sad ending.

darkmau

MALAYA!

lovelyn secretly loves pedro since they were children. she looks at him, and cares for him in a very special manner. she kept this feeling until they grew up. nobody knows how much lovelyn loves pedro.

pedro grew up to become an artist, he took fine arts in a public university and later on left school to work as a free lance artist. he joined competitions but unfortunately lost every single events.

on the other hand, lovelyn pursued a career of being a nurse. after passing the board exam, lovelyn left to work abroad. and she stayed in abroad for three long years, and writes  letter every now and then to pedro.

lovelyn wrote hundreds of letter to pedro, but pedro would just reply once in a while. and sometimes pedro would just draw a figure of a woman on his letters and never says a word. it was kind of weird but lovelyn saved all drawings and doodles and framed it.

but one day lovely got a very bad news, a letter came and it was from pedro’s mom, and it said.

Lovelyn,

i am writing to you to inform you that pedro is missing for almost two months now. we dont have any news, the last time i saw him was when he borrowed three hundred peso to buy some fine brush, he told me he was going to the mountains in the nearby town to find an inspiration. but it is a long time now and i did not hear anything from him, i know you two are very close and if you hear anything from him please let me know. thank you.

nanay binay

lovelyn got sad when she received that letter. it affected her job and she was eventually asked to have a vacation for two months. lovelyn eventually went home and in desperation she searched for pedro.

she started to contact people they know, and those former colleagues and classmates of pedro, but no one knew where he is. lovelyn was getting desperate each day. until she got sick because of depression and was rushed to a hospital in the great city.

lovelyn fell into comatose. for thirty days she was asleep. all that kept her alive were the hospital apparatus.lovelyn’s parents gave up their hope on their daughter they knew somehow lovelyn would give up eventually.

but on the 30th day of lovelyn’s comatose, a young lady came to visit lovelyn. she said she was a close friend of lovelyn. and the lady was allowed to get near lovelyn. and lovelyn’s pale face began to get pinkish. the lady did not say a word, but stood near lovelyn and tears rolled down her eyes. and she gave a letter to lovelyn’s mom and she left. she left with no name given.

it was a miracle, hours after the lady left, lovelyn woke up. she woke up like as if nothing happened. she woke up in her normal state of mind, she completely recovered without signs that she was bed ridden for a month. everyone thought it was a miracle, but lovelyn told them that it was pedro who saved her.

lovelyn’s mother handed the letter which the lady gave. she explained that the certain lady was the last visitor before she finally woke up.

lovelyn’s hand felt a certain energy as she had touched the letter and she began reading it. and in tears she read quietly.

lovelyn,

as the stars write dreams on sky, i paint on canvass. i find no words to say but only sad-happy pictures of many nights of thoughts. since we were kids i looked up to you, i knew you were to grow as a beautiful lady. and any man would fall for you. i remembered the time when you declined the offer of the campus crush to be your date on the prom and instead chose me. those were the days lovelyn.

i saw the passion of love in your eyes when i saw you the last time. i knew you love me and that love creeps inside me. and i know that love is for real. at many times i tried to show or reciprocate that love but i feel so helpless. i could not find the right words. i could not find the right time.

and i never did find the right time because i was caught up by my own reality. it took me so much to finally see who i am.i am not for you lovelyn, i fought the battle but i gave up. i am not giving up that you will be able to see life again, and by the time you are reading this you can finally say that i am happy.

you will always be a part of me, and whoever i am now, i will always look up to you as my ideal woman. and now that i am a woman too i will try to love like the way you did to me.

love

petrish katsume (i married a japanese and legally changed my name and gender)

lovelyn knew that her only love was meant to be happy and she freely accepted their fate. she gave up pedro or say petrish. lovelyn accepted things because love is all that she wanted to give pedro, but it was the cost of loving him that she had to pay, but it was worth her happiness. 

darkmau

MALAYA!

-tried to write really-

LETTING GO

I watch the days of gloomy hours
While watching vivid images ,
Of your hand letting him go.
As his footsteps walk near her heart
And far from yours…
It was the bravest thing to do…
Even while drowning in tears,
And in your silent laments,
To the last moment,
You readily gave what you had to give…
To unknown pain;
You are suffering.
But a generous heart shall not be empty,
Even to heartaches turn
Love shall not cease to exist.
It is not in his hand;
That you shall end to live,
That you shall stop to trust;
It is only the beginning.
An ending love,
Is not closing life.
It is living life…
For in your giving heart,
Love and life shall forever remain.

-darkmau

MALAYA!

-a prose written for a korean girl who gave up her love …because of love itself.

i have this friend, i wont mention names, but i have so much respect in this guy. some would call him a "proper gentleman" and others would call him naive and shy. but for me he is a fine young man.

no no no, im not being gayish or something… once you’d know my anecdote about him you will learn why. well, on a glimpse you would not really notice him, he is a silent guy with few words and only stares. he doesnt wear flashy clothes or grooms properly, a typical college student look, with his grunge urban-rural fashion he will never catch attention. but more than his physical attributes you will know that he is a good person inside.

few years back he was in college, taking up an engineering course,  he was struggling in that course, as well as the others i might say. but he was struggling both financially and academically and boy that is hard. he has an older brother who just recently finished engineering course too. and was on his way to review for his board exam. their family were not well off, and there was an urgent need for his older brother to take the engineering’s licensee exam.

the family have no idea to make that happen, but this guy knows how hard the situation is, because he was enrolled in one of  the exclusive universities. this guy did something real big with his life, he decided to leave school, but not to stop totally but rather to work. he decided to work not for himself, but to be able to keep his brother review and take the board exam.

he worked for a non government organization in one of the province in mindanao, his salary was just enough for himself, but he did not mind himself, he kept his budget tight leaving a measly P300 a month, for all his expenses. and the rest he gave to his brother. he did that for almost a year( or maybe longer). some would say that is impossible, but he did it, this guy is so resourceful and well informed, he knows how to survive the ins and outs of life. but he got sick after that..anyway who would not be?

all his sacrifices paid off, his brother passed his board exam and is now a licensed engineer who works somewhere abroad.(and is doing the same to him) he wanted to go back to school after, but there resources were not enough to sustain an education in the exclusive school, and he never forced his family to let him continue. he just patiently waited until he could really go to school again. and while he was waiting he worked part time for NGOs and by servicing computers because he had knowledge on these stuffs. he kept the money again not for himself, but for emergency purposes,  like if his family needs it.

he barely bought anything for himself, his family came first before anything else. or if one his friends would need help he would gladly lend that money.

well, thats i why im all hands down to  this guy. but more than that he is indeed a real friend, he will be there for his friends, and personally i know this.

we were on a bar one time back then, then we are about to go home when he heard a gunshot inside the bar. everybody panicked, and since we are still inside, i personally had to ensure the safety  of my date. but my best friend already left in a snap, but this guy was right along to watch my back, he never left not until we are all out of the premises of that bar. he proved his courage and friendship on that one instance, and my respect for him could not be bent. actually he stood by me even before this incident.

he stood by anyone through good and bad times.even though sometimes others were not nice to him. and since he is a proper gentleman, he never had the chance to have a love life, well he had only once and that was it. he had some crushes but never did he attempt to make a move, he would always tell me that he could not afford to have one, and he could not assure that he would not hurt the girl. so for the meantime he told me as much as he wanted, his love life would remain suspended in dreams. which makes me wonder for how long could he wait. but i understand his point that good things happen to people who wait.

this guy has a patience that breaks barrier. an optimism a day makes him enjoy life on his own terms.

but for me, all respect. you know who you are. i just wanted to show you how much i learned in our friendship.

i know you are being teased as the guy who never scored, but believe me one day you will score BIG TIME… and id be waiting for that time and i will congratulate you…and say.. "I knew this would happen".

all respect to the shadow.

DARKMAU

MALAYA!

ako si mau

di ako perpektong tao

tulad mo .

minsan noon

winagayway ko ang bandilang pula

sa paniniwala na,

dapat lahat LUMAYA.

sa kapitalismo,

imeryalismo,

at pyudalismo.

ako si mau

di rin ako matalino

tulad nong kaklase ko…

gago.

minsan din akong nangarap;

pero dahil akoy kumurap;

kaya’t nagising ako sa isang iglap.

oo,

nagyosi din ako,

uminom ng beer,

pumasok sa bar,

nagwaldas ng pera,

nawalan ng barya

nangutang din sa barkada

pati sa mga tindera.

natuto rin ako magbasa

ngunit nanatili akong tanga,

inunawa ko ang salitang pagsasaliksik

at hindi pa ako natatapos, sabay sa paglakad natinik

LINTIK…sigaw ko habang tumingala

nalimutan ko na ang daan nasa baba.

ako si mau,

di rin gwapo,

huwag na nating basahin ang lovestory ko

at wag na ungkatin ang mga isyu.

tulad ng marami

madami na ring naging mali,

di ko na nauunawaan

ang aking prinisipyong pinaglaban,

dahil siguro;

tinigil kong pag aralan

ang digmaan ng isipan.

hindi pala sa europa makikita ang kasagutan.

wala rin pala sa libro ang talino.

sa huli nalimutan ko…

ang buo ko palang pangalan…

mauro.

hindi perpekto.

tanggap mo ba ako?

darkmau

MALAYA!

malamang may nasusuka na sa title pa lamang ng blog. well no offense reality based lang naman ang teoriyang nabuo ko. so ang tanong, mau ano nga ba ang toilet theory mo? well eto ang quick answer para sa quick question na ganon, ang toilet theory is basically about relationship in general. relationship na base sa pundasyong romantiko. love ika nga ba.

opp… bago ka mag react na "amff naman mau bakit mo nmn kailangan ihambing relationship sa toilet, dumale na naman yang kalaswaan ng utak mo"… well mali ka kaibigan, wala namang kasing masayang relasyon. aber tell one relationship na ng magsyota, mag asawa, mag MU na hindi nag away at hindi minsan man nagkaroon ng misunderstanding? lahat naman kasi may problema pag dating sa relationship. sabi pa ng ermats ko walang perpek na relationship, si rizal nga ilang break up ang pinag daanan. at napansin ko rin yun sa toilet.walang toilet na perfect, once in a while pumapalpak ang toilet, minsan, nagbabara, bumabaho, bumabango, nasisira, nangingilaw, umiitim and the likes, yung iba nga nababasag pag di nakayanan yung umuupo(at hindi yun exage na example). parang relationship, ang relationship, puedeng masaya, malungkot, magulo, masira, maayos at mawala…well sa totoo lang puede nating ihambing relationship sa ibang bagay maliban sa kubeta, pero ang fact lamang na binibigay ko is this, importante ang toilet sa bawat tao, at ang relationships na pinapasok nila importante din, kaya nakabase sya sa toilet.

pumapanghi na yata, hmm alam niyo ba yung feeling na parang mabaho yung toilet pero wala ka namang nakikita? ayun yun feeling nang duda… duda kahit wala ka namang nakikita, alam mong may realm of truth kasi may naamoy ka. o di ba parang kubeta. eh yung sense na biglang nagbara, yun yung point na may napupuno na, at hindi na rin malaman kung san nga ba lulugar, well alam mo yun, yung pareho niyo na inistress out yung points niyo at wala nang madigest ang isyu, kundi mastuck na lamang. so ayun yung times na puedeng tumawag ng help from outside, call the tubero or the good old assistance of the sucking cup.. bomba tawag sa amin non.

well minsan talaga kailangan may catalyst sa relationship, kailangan may tumulak ng isyu pababa hanggang sa maflush. tapos problema naman pag maraming nakikialam, yung bang pag marami gumagamit sa kubeta mas madaling madumihan at masira. yung ganon na feeling..

anyway, etong part na to, continuation na to nung pinutol ko na part, ive recently observed na lahat ng lahi may kanya kanyang toilet culture, the same goes sa relationship, iba’t ibang system para magfunction ang toilet nila. and eto pa ang isang realization, may intimacy sa paggamit ng toilet, same goes sa relationship. di mo naman siguro gugustuhin na gumamit ng kubeta na may kashare. parang relationship di ba. it would only work one at a time. sabihin mo man na maraming gumagamit pero still one at a time. malaswa at  kahindikhindik na masyado pag sabay  kayong gumamit sa iisang kubeta.. agree or disagree?

so ano ang punto ng buong toilet theory. eto ang three basic premise ng teoriya.

1. Ang toilet, hindi perfect, and so is the relationship, but we must admit na kailangan siya, necessity kumbaga.Kahit na sumumpa ka sa nuno mo sa lolo ng lolo mo na magiging single ka one way or the other magkakaroon ka ng relationship. Promise.

2. Ang toilet puedeng bumaho at madumihan, maluma at masira, kaya sa worst case scenarios na masyado nang madumi or beyond help na ang toilet… dont lose hope, kasi ang toilet as always puede marestore. lahat naman ng relationship ganon din puede marestore, but of course choice yang ng bawat individual. sabi pa di ba, we can always restore it or buy a new one.

3. if you opted for the former, well eto ang pinaka core ng theory, only the care and delicate understanding of matter ang lifespan ng toilet. parang relasyon, survival of the fittest. puede siyang magtagal depende sa options at choices na gagawin natin. in the end kahit san tayo mapadpad, sariling toilet mo pa rin yung hahanapin mo. we fail once in a while, nobody has a perfect infallible toilet.

ano ba yan…nababaliw na yata ako… susunod tissueroll conflict processing? hmm..immodium anyone?

darkmau

MALAYA!

i choose to be free

and wander in the abyss

i choose to die

while everyone strives to live,

i choose an easy way out

than to find the hard life in

i choose the lesser evil

than to be evil itself.

when at the end of the options

i choose to be me

with all individuality

against the stereotyping

i am me.

i choose the chaos

while some choose the opposite.

when love loses its luster

and hope fades in darkness

when everything i believed crumbled

i choose silence.

when all hopes failed

and life starts to spark a fire

and death is coming near

when hell strikes to death

and minion is everywhere,

i choose to creep in fear.

and keep my faith in.

I choose to fight..

fight the good fight of faith.

darkmau

malaya!

-struggling for words to say-

most of us know the parable of the prodigal son. the story of the son who took his inheritance and squandered his life away. and went back to his father after he had nowhere to go. and his father accepted him with open arms and full of love.

hindi ko malaman kung ano bang dapat isulat sa lintek na blog,nangangati ang kamay ko na tumipa sa keyboard, para bang piano, or brush para sa pintor. okay okay nawawala na namn sa focus ang aking sinusulat, malamang maedit na naman to ng mga scavengers.

anyway, kanikanina lang nasa bus ako papuntang golders green, oo alam niyo yon malapit lang yun sa national bookstore na kalapit din ng bulcachow fast food chain.so ayun nga pumunta ako sa banko kasi nautusan ang abang lingkod ng aking mahal na ina. pero maniwala man kayo o sa hindi, e di parin eto ang topic ko. mabagal lumabas ang ideya, kaya comma at kwento muna ang gagawin ko.

so matapos kong pumunta sa banko, tumawid ako sa kabilang kanto, tapos ayun, naisipan kong pumasok sa sainsbury, wala akong nakita so lumabas ulit ako. naglakad ng konti at dumating sa bus stop, tumayo at nag antay. may dumating na bus, at sumakay ako.

oo na nga sige na… eto na yung sasabihin ko sa blog ko, may narealize ako kanina habang lulan ako ng bus, naisip ko lang na habang tumatanda ang tao eh mas lalong nagiging komplikado ang mga bagay bagay. imagine noong bata pa tayo ang pinapaspell lang sa ating eh three letter words, tapos pag nakapagbilang ka ng isa hanggang sampu masayang masaya na magulang mo. at reward na rin sa sarili mo na magkaroon ng GI JOE at barbie, ice cream in the afternoons, cartoons every friday, late na gumising pag sabado at presents pag sundays, lalo na pag nasa mood ang nanay at tatay mo.

pero pag dating mo sa edad na nine nag iiba na ang lahat biglang may peer pressure na, well from six years old nga meron na, pero mas malala pag umabot ka sa nine, nandyan na yung mga emergence ng mga school bullies, and the alikes. mas malala dahil may pressure na rin sa babae, alam mo yung gusto mo pero ayaw, kasi pasok na pasok pa rin yung sinasabi ni kuya bodjie na salitang BATA, syempre masaya kang malungkot pag nanonood ka ng Batibot. tapos nung dumating ang ANG TV lalong naging confuse ang buhay mo, kasi namn nauso na ang mga trends, na ang salitang bata may classification na. pag thirteen ka na eh, teeners ka na. dapat may susundin ka ng ibang lifestyle. goodbye joes and barbie, hello music and boys welcome to autographs and scrapbooks.

hinihingal na ako… pero ayun nakikita niy naman sana ang point ko. well kung di mo yun napagdaanan na stage, eh im sure di tayo magkaage,at iba ang leanings mo. so matapos mo lasapin ang teen years biglang papasok na ang medyo mas madudugong issue, courtship, lust and love. ewan matagal ko natutunan yang mga bagay na yan. akala ko noon ang mas napepressure eh babae lang, yun pala pareho lang. kasi para palang santol ang bagay na yan, kahit di masyadong maganda ang istura at may nakatikim masarap pa rin pala. hmmm next time fofocus ko ang blog ko sa santol at asin. so balik ulit tayo, pero ang downside ang santol may buto, pag naubos na yung lasa ay iluluwa din yun buto so sorry na…

tapos another couple of years magbabago nanaman mga napupuna mo. college mapapansin mo na yung mga bagay na hindi mo napapansin ten years ago. nararamdaman mo na ang pagtaas ng matrikula, yung hirap ng buhay, yung pagtaas ng gasolina, pati ang yaman ni marcos nauungkat mo na once in a while, at pagpapakasal sa sultan ng brunei eh nasa options na ng iba.

tapos after a few years ibat ibang stories na ang narinig at nakita mo tapos ud land up in situation na parang di pa rin clear ang career plan mo, that is kung meron man. tapos pag may isinulat ka sa CV mo akala mo okay n, pero in reality wala ka pa rin palang napuntahan. babalikan mo lahat tatanungin mo sarili mo may naipon ka ba, paano kung may magkagusto sa iyo saan mo patitirahin. yung mga ganong bagay, tapos okay lang sana kung ang magiging asawa mo ay kakain ng damo at buhangin, di sana wala ka ng poproblemahin.

dahan dahan na dumadami na complications sa buhay mo, yung three letter words na ipanapaspell sa iyo dati mani na lang sa iyo ngayon, pero yung pag juggle ng bills at career plans mo medyo di mo na rin maunawaan. kung mamalasin ka pa, mas marami pang mangyayri, tapos kung piliin mo man maging isang forever bum hahabulin ka ng pang aalipusta. so mahirap lumugar. parang magtatanong ka sa katabi mo parati kung ano ba talaga mahalaga sa buhay? oo deep inside you alam mo kung ano gusto mo, pero pano pag dumating sa punto na yung gusto mo pala eh ayaw sa iyo? yong tipong you cant win them all, or sometimes you always over and under estimate things kaya palaging kapos.

speaking of kapos, medyo inaantok ako sa pagsulat, so kung may nagbasa man nito salamat. ayh syangapala, medyo nagiging desperado na ako, may tanong ako, sino ba ang may pinaka simpleng video editing software?(so magaan din sana sa disk space)

darkmau

MALAYA!