man in the fridge

2006 14 February

Carla,

Remember the time  when i told you that i never knew your  friend Marge?When we met the first time? I was lying. It was meant to be a joke at first but things happened so fast. But she is out of the issue now. Before i left for US you told me that you wanted to see me, but i never had the chance to do so. I guess it was the best thing to do.

I have sent you letters when I was in the US, but all letters came back, informing me that you have moved out of your place. And all i can i ask of myself is WHY? Why did you move without informing me, you could have at least sent me a mail of something that you had to move. Yet I know, I don’t have much right or importance to know. Why would anyone care if I would know or not?

I met Greg finally after years of evading his presence for twenty years. And you were right, he is a good looking guy,  and he had this superior charms. No wonder you fell for him. He almost had everything, wits, charms, wealth and the woman of my dreams-you.

It is a sad thing that I only saw you once and that was it. But not a day passed that I ever forget you. It is a lonely feeling, a shattering emotion that I could not be the half the man as Greg was to you. I liked you in silence…. in fact I have loved you in silence. Remember the time that you needed a blood transfusion when you had this rare fever, and you had a Type AB but nobody around your friends have that, not even Greg, and an anonymous person donated you the blood you needed.  It was me. I begged Marge to let me have the chance to let you live. Just  with my blood that I could be inside your system. And that made me happy.

When your family business went down due to debts, remember that a Japanese guy saved your business from bankruptcy ? It was me who made a deal with Mr. Katsume, instead of funding my own business, I told him about your dad’s venture, I secretly compiled marketing plans to your business and made all the viable ways to make the things work. I let go of my dreams to make your family business going.

From that moment on, I was just a shadow. I wanted to get near you, and be with you. See you up close with that sweet smile pasted upon your face. But i cant. I can’t because Greg was there, he was all that you wanted. And i could not see you hurt.

For ten years…. ten years that i have waited for my chance. but it did not come. You married Greg. and had a son, i took it all. but i still prayed for you. You were all that i ever wanted. After all the years that i have seen you happy I decided to move on.

It was over.

I have learned that Greg was having an affair with another woman… and that you had filed for an annulment. I am now in my forties, and you still remained beautiful. I kept my single status and not even laid an eye to any woman. maybe this time i would have my chance. You will still be my only love. I pray that you will give me the chance.

I love you from the fears of my heart. The undying feeling of greater passion that will keep on burning until I give up my last breath.

Juan

-the letter arrived to Carla, but it was too late.. Carla had an attack of depression and committed suicide.Juan’s great love came too late because he waited much. once you found that love, go get it. IF YOUR DESIRE IS GREATER THAN OTHERS NO ONE CAN AND WILL BE ABLE TO STOP YOU.-

darkmau

MALAYA!

the devastating wait

while the mobile phone rings

each moments too close

yet too far.

a drip of hope

another tear to fall.

its a yes and a no

UNCERTAINTY.

waiting for a good news

patiently looking up…

just to mend the anxiety,

no more tears tomorrow.

there is so much more,

but i don’t want to know.

let it come, let it come.

but as some would say..

Tomorrow never comes.

so could be.. good news might not come this way.

VIBRATING!

picking it up…

HELLO… CAN YOU HEAR ME??

darkmau

MALAYA!

for the lawyers of uncertainty. and ex husbands full of stupid thoughts. if you want to go then let go… live and let live…

he kept on talking about this and that;

and she just listened.

he made her dance;

under the pale moonlight,

and she swayed to the beat.

he made her sing ;

while he played the guitar.

it was everything he dreamed.

only for one thing,

he could never have her heart;

while she sways;

while she sings;

while she listens;

her heart is captured…

by someone,

from afar.

is this tragedy?

while he goes on with his fantasy…

she goes on with her own.

each day.

each night.

three people threading,

waves of uncertainty.

holding on…

to the same ground they call reality.

darkmau

MALAYA!

a friend of mine blurted out that i have been stressed out since college up til now. and i failed to notice that. i have this attitude to finish everything i have started, but i dont know whats going on now? i dont feel like moving on. i just want to pack and leave, go somewhere, move elsewhere, a place to call my own, my own phase, my own time, doing the things i love to do, paint, draw, write, sing, dance to where eternity bends. ahh it will be a bliss.

i ran out of words.

i am tired…

(i know you are expecting more)

while the seconds turn to minutes

and minutes into hours

hours to days

days to months….

time after time….

i long for you.

while i keep on missing

that heartbeat that skipped

the moment,

while i try to have you near

i fall short.

i don’t have time…

and i dont have space.

the world turns

and both of us

are left on a place;

called loneliness.

while on this moment

all i have is faith,

that is slowly crumbling,

but i raised my fist

to continue fighting.

i might lose again

and fail…

yet with my bruised pride

i will cry with my head

up high.

you are all that i wanted

that i would ever need.

like an air

like my blood…

like my life.

i wait.

but i believe

you’re coming.

add my words.

everything i said.

and you’d have this.

i

love

you.

darkmau

MALAYA!

-for the one who keeps on waking up only to fall asleep, for the people who keep on waiting for the train that ain’t sure to come…for all the hopeless romantics and the lovers in distance. for someone, for anyone who deserves the right person in their lives. there is that one…one person who would give up everything just for you. and only for you. and if that doesn’t prove how much that person loves you then, i think you need some help…serious help.-

lumipad na Tayo!

kalimutan ang mundo!

wag na alalahanin ang kahapon

mabuhay lamang para sa ngayon.

subukin ang bawal

huwag lang maging madaldal

HALIKA TIKMAN ANG KABIGUAN!

Pag ibig at mga pusong Luhaan.

makipagtunggali sa ulap

halika na sa alapaap.

sumakay sa usok

maabot din natin ang tuktok.

hindi mo kasalanan na ikay maiwan,

may mga pagkakataon na ikay Talunan…

minsan sa buong buhay moy walang katapusan.

kay halika na muna at mundo’y kalimutan!

darkmau

MALAYA!

nung iniwan ka ba niya,

lumuha ka ba?

nanghinayang at nagsabing

Sayang…

nung muli mo siyang makita

na may kasama,

nagselos ka ba?

malamang nagalit ka…

nung magtext siya

natuwa ka ba?

sabay nainis dahil

nandyan nanaman sya?

nung pinadalhan ka niya ng bulaklak

at sinabi niyang gusto niya pa

pumayag ka naman diba?

at tuluyan mo akong nilimot

sa bawat pagkakataon na narito ako

sa tuwing sasaktan ka niya.

sa tuwing iiwanan ka niya.

sa bawat panahon na ayaw niya sa iyo.

pero pasensya na.

hanggang dito na lang ako.

ang dati mong binabalikan

ay siya nang lilisan.

paalam na.

ako naman ang liligaya.

salamat sa malungkot na alaala.

sa ngayon lahat ng tawag mo

sa aking cellphone

ay isa na lamang..

missed call.

darkmau

MALAYA!

if its hopeless….

then end the agony.

im tired.

if its hopeful

let me know

i need some glow.

its all in time….

and i dont have it.

akosikadiliman

"j-o-y down in my heart

deep deep down in my heart."

michael v sang this jingle on a dish washing soap advert.  and now I’m trying to break down its content. now i fully understand that being joyful is hard. its like gathering all your energy to have that synergy of positivity. being joyful is being positive.

have you ever met a happy person? can you notice all the positive vibrations on that person? ahh the aura just transcends in your system. but being happy is difficult. to have that sense of being joyful and happy is very hard. as what michael v sang… deep deep down in my heart, so it means that by being happy we must first search inside us, dig what is inside us.

sometimes i feel that having a negative vibe is much easy than having that positivity. ahh why are sinly pleasures easy to embrace? why are the good things boring and hard to achieve?

maybe because its easy to be weak than to be strong. or sometimes we are just acting so much of a human. that we just function plainly as human. we at time lose the guts to be creative. we have forgot the basic sense of human freedom, the right birth that we have and that is being more than human.

but don’t get me wrong that we should act as a God. no of course not. what i just realized is this the fact that we could be more of who we are. having that choice to be happy is a like an option to be dead. dead but alive.

but its much better than being alive and dead. so why is being happy and joyful compared to being dead? well mainly because a dead thing is invincible, because it doesn’t have that feeling of something to lose. its like you can do whatever you want to do and be want you want to be and don’t feel any opportunity cost lost from your side. and you feel life that way.

there is no right formula to seek that joy, we all want to be happy, and if this thing happiness available on market i am sure its sold out by now. but it doesn’t work that way. being happy is keeping everything together, pulling all your negative sides and aligning them to your positive strand. but why can’t we be happy despite having so much? well it could be because we tend to backslide with what we should be appreciating, because we always want something more.

we tend to be greedy.

as we always say, we can never win them all. but there is no harm in trying, after all if you want to be happy then you just have to do whatever that makes you happy. even if we cause unhappiness to other people around you.

there is no correct equation for complete happiness that would be equally fair. because this world is made with balance, one man’s treasure is another man’s trash.

darkmau

malaya!