man in the fridge

no words to say besides …

nothing can make me move except…

while the whole world revolves,

a sight and glimpse of you might just…

• just because of things i cant really explain
• and the words are just limited
• please don’t blame me
• if i can’t stop moving free.

what is more to say?

should i stay here?

if not now then when?

if not here then where?

• as i tried to open…
• you just kept on coming….
• can you laugh again?
• and make me feel that heaven.

as each words come to…

and i try to simply say that….

this would be simple but…

i just can’t… and leave all these hanging.

darkmau

MALAYA!

unfair is the word used if one is two and the other is one.

hurt is the word used if there is a pain caused by an action.

shit is the term used for an occasional profanity.

fuck is another socialized profanity that is beyond doubt, human.

love is the state of mind that comes after every stupid things.

hate is the aggressor of love.

insanity, the level of mental condition if love conquers everything.

alone is the feeling after the feeling is gone.

death… is the only stage after love.

darkmau

MALAYA!

as if time froze when i finally saw her coming out of her classroom. it was d101 i was sure about it. my theology teacher always finish in time and since we have the same teacher, i know her class would be on time. and she came out with a smile, as she gave my book back. we share the same theology book. in fact we share books.  and each time she returns my book, its always covered with a little post it notes pasted in it. a sweet message or a sarcastic joke makes my day complete.

it was a year of bliss. the feeling of the budding relationship that would seem to last forever was in the air. 0917 700 7140…. the number that i would always memorize. she gave fascinating insights about so many things about fun, she was an amazing young girl. and she was very smart.

i never liked algebra, that’s why i failed the fucking subject. and so i had to take it up again, and so i was behind with one subject and was forced to take up trigo in summer classes. and i am in doubt that time if i could pass the subject. i sobbed  it all on her shoulders and was so worried that i could not pass that fucking subject. and as always she was an angel to me, and each day she would give me her own version of lecture notes and would ask me to focus on those things. she was a math genius!

we never talked about relationship. we were happy and content on how the set up was. but each day, i wanted more of her. so much more of her. i have never wanted anyone as much as i have wanted her. and so i asked her the magical question on march 25th 2000. she was doing this exposure program for the social involvements thing, and though it was not allowed she brought her phone with her. she had an attitude, and that made me crazy. i never felt so much power with one person not until i met her. she was everything i wanted.

after a year of courtship and finally deciding on taking the big step in a relationship, everyone thought it would be a happy ending. but things get out of hand. as one of my friends once told me, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, the inevitable happened.

it was great afternoon, i went back to see her, in one of the volunteer rooms for enrollment of freshmen, and we were talking and all. and suddenly we got a little bit serious in our talks, that i asked her the most unforgettable question in my life…" are you sure you are ready for this relationship?" that question is the reason for all the bullshits of the relationship to come.

and she told me, to give her a few hours before she answer that question. and late in the afternoon, she told me that she wasn’t, and i told her that i could wait  until she is. but she took it the wrong way. my words mislead her feelings. she told all her friends that i gave her a graceful exit.  and that was the most bitter part of all, i chased her for 2 semesters and she never gave me a single chance. unknowingly, maybe i am still chasing her.

a heart of a 16 year old boy falling deep for the first time can make or break dreams and chains of realities and fantasies. the origin of confusion should always be checked. what would have happened if she listened to the right words? then maybe everything would have been right.

-for the years that the boy kept on weeping for the question he should never have asked-

darkmau

MALAYA!

i was 19, trying hard to make a tune out of my semi abnormal acoustic guitar which i bought for a measly few hundred peso, when my bestfriend told me that it was quite too late for me to play the guitar. and i somehow believed him, but now i am 23, owning an acoustic guitar and a bass guitar, and actually making a sound from it, the price i paid for its cost is priceless. well thanks to mark for constantly telling me that it is never too late to learn.

okay don’t ask me to play a tune, that is still a work in progress.

things happen, if one actually realize idea of its possibility. there are things in life that i regarded as my core idealogy, which will not be bent in any case or in any situation, however, as time pass, you need to play with rules or else you will be kept in a stone position. which eventually makes you dormant.

my mom would always remind me that the things in life only become yours if you have shown effort of having it. and she would always remind me that life is unfair. so what is my point now? simple, never let anyone tell you that something is too difficult or too late to be done, if others can do it then you can do it. it might take a little longer, but it doesn’t matter. whoever told you that life is a chase, died running.

darkmau

MALAYA!

why do things get out of hand when you least expeact it to be. is there such a thing called jinx? does it happen with a pattern. i have been raised to eliminate the idea of being fatalistic, yet i can’t help it. not that i wait down here waiting for the fruit to fall. but since i am limited to things, i tend to wish. and thus, i can’t seem to figure where all these things may lead to.

i used to tell every person, that love aint enough, and maybe i am right. but then again, if nothing comes to nothing then the only thing that might matter is love itself. its like a big maze of deception, where one is lost for the purpose of finding.

my vision to find the things that would make a difference is always clouded by doubts and self interest. if you start to become alrtuistic, you tend to forget life itself. and why is that? simply because the cause of your life matters only if you serve a certain goal.

i told myself long before, i will make it big, and move the worlds with my ideas. but here i am sitting down in front of my laptop, figuring out which way to go. and if my heart would keep its normal beating until i can find the way of refuge. someday maybe, i could find the answers, figure the things that matters. things that truly matter. that i would not have to look for the things or where the road may lead me. and hopefully at the end of that path, the asnwer would just come….patiently waiting.

darkmau

MALAYA!

the ray of light kissing your face,

place of tears and smile is traced.

a shadow of someone, and you know its true,

the reason of your happiness who makes you blue.

as each hour pass, smiles forgotten…

the bliss of night just keep on coming.

the warm air of winter snow,

came cold as he depart from you.

…

in spring, while flowers start to bloom

summer would come to lead your doom

a dream of him and you,

the lies of time that you thought was true.

…

the reason of your happiness

is the reason who makes you blue.

darkmau

MALAYA!

wari di ko na kayang intindihin

ang pihit ng oras di ko kayang pigilin.

sa bawat katagang iyong sasabihin,

di ko na alam kung anong iisipin.

• ubos na rin ang luha mo kaiisip sa kanya
• at kung wala na akong madama
• para sabihin na isasama kita
• sa aking tahimik na himlayan…tara na.

at kung saan man abutin ang ating damdamin

ay hindi ko pipigilin.

hayaan na lumipad ang kamalayan…

sa dulo ng walang hanggan.

• sa bawat oras na lumalamig
• at sa bawat gabing umiinit
• mga katawang nag iisa….
• nanalangin sana kasama kita.

and now she is asking how can she be stupid.

without a single idea to know the answer.

i am caught between figuring out the distance of the moon

and the torment of the skies.

i am but me.

left with nowhere to go.

if you figured out the things that must be said,

then let me know.

because i can never be perfect for anyone.

nor the love you expect might never be me.

but i am only me.

limited in time and in breath.

as the swaying skies,

and doubt is in your heart,

then i am just a passing image of a man.

for the one who waits longer,

will be forever happy.

i am just but me…

darkmau

MALAYA!

para kay ish.

i went to church yesterday to learn a few things i have learned before but seemed not to mind. i almost forgot the doctrine of resurrection as part of the totality of the cross. without resurrection the entity of the DIVINE Jesus  would be meaningless.

the cross as symbol of Roman Cruelty and insult would remain the same if the resurrection did not occur. it was said that Jesus rose from the dead after three days. death is meaningless because Jesus broke the chains of its hold over the limitation of man.

I don’t really mind if some people wear crosses without understanding the power it truly holds. its like wearing a che Guevara shirt or chairman mao shirt without knowing who they are and their significant implication to the world. but sometimes it would not hurt to know the things laid for us.

darkmau

MALAYA!

to fear…

is to limit your existence.

the risk in life is incomparable

to the things we see in TV.

we have so much to lose, and we are not sure what will we gain after we invested courage. how is happiness if it is confined in a place unreachable?

true love is pain. there is nothing free for the things that matter. freedom is just a state of mind but to be free is to take the plunge. set your mind not to fear for the inevitable.

at the end of the day… nobody said it was easy.

darkmau

MALAYA!