Sham(eful) exit
as if time froze when i finally saw her coming out of her classroom. it was d101 i was sure about it. my theology teacher always finish in time and since we have the same teacher, i know her class would be on time. and she came out with a smile, as she gave my book back. we share the same theology book. in fact we share books. and each time she returns my book, its always covered with a little post it notes pasted in it. a sweet message or a sarcastic joke makes my day complete.
it was a year of bliss. the feeling of the budding relationship that would seem to last forever was in the air. 0917 700 7140…. the number that i would always memorize. she gave fascinating insights about so many things about fun, she was an amazing young girl. and she was very smart.
i never liked algebra, that’s why i failed the fucking subject. and so i had to take it up again, and so i was behind with one subject and was forced to take up trigo in summer classes. and i am in doubt that time if i could pass the subject. i sobbed it all on her shoulders and was so worried that i could not pass that fucking subject. and as always she was an angel to me, and each day she would give me her own version of lecture notes and would ask me to focus on those things. she was a math genius!
we never talked about relationship. we were happy and content on how the set up was. but each day, i wanted more of her. so much more of her. i have never wanted anyone as much as i have wanted her. and so i asked her the magical question on march 25th 2000. she was doing this exposure program for the social involvements thing, and though it was not allowed she brought her phone with her. she had an attitude, and that made me crazy. i never felt so much power with one person not until i met her. she was everything i wanted.
after a year of courtship and finally deciding on taking the big step in a relationship, everyone thought it would be a happy ending. but things get out of hand. as one of my friends once told me, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED, the inevitable happened.
it was great afternoon, i went back to see her, in one of the volunteer rooms for enrollment of freshmen, and we were talking and all. and suddenly we got a little bit serious in our talks, that i asked her the most unforgettable question in my life…" are you sure you are ready for this relationship?" that question is the reason for all the bullshits of the relationship to come.
and she told me, to give her a few hours before she answer that question. and late in the afternoon, she told me that she wasn’t, and i told her that i could wait until she is. but she took it the wrong way. my words mislead her feelings. she told all her friends that i gave her a graceful exit. and that was the most bitter part of all, i chased her for 2 semesters and she never gave me a single chance. unknowingly, maybe i am still chasing her.
a heart of a 16 year old boy falling deep for the first time can make or break dreams and chains of realities and fantasies. the origin of confusion should always be checked. what would have happened if she listened to the right words? then maybe everything would have been right.
-for the years that the boy kept on weeping for the question he should never have asked-
darkmau
MALAYA!
