man in the fridge

dalawang kamay, kapwa nakakuyom;

ang isa may laman at ang isa wala,

dalawang desisyon, iisa lang ang tama,

yung kanan ba o kaliwa?

.

hindi sapat ang tignan ang mata,

at magdasal sa Diyos upang mapagpala,

hindi puwedeng  ikahon sa hula,

upang ang laman sa kamay makuha.

.

isang oras ang lumipas,

tumutulo na ang pawis,

ang nooy nakakunot,

sa tadhana pilit lumulusot.

.

ano ba ang meron sa kanan,

at ano ang nasa kaliwa?

kung ano ang kasagutan,

kailangan nang pagpasyahan.

.

ang pagpili.

-darkmau

MALAYA!

yes, i am still single. after all these times of blabbers after blabbers, i could not blame anyone for this fact. i stopped questioning my means and ways of getting to where i want to be. i learned things the hard way. one person might be smiling when it(gender sensitive) reads this, for finally admitting i am getting nowhere with my so called love life.

so yes, i guess i fucked up a couple of times in dealing with issues, maybe, things change, maybe its the culture, or the people, or maybe change is rather huge than what i was expecting. either way i am here trapped in my own prison sentence. i guess i am through with setting contingency plans with my stupidity, there is no more plan a and plan b, if one doesnt work then go. life is not a systemic strategy that we have to be specific with objectives and all. especially if it is concerned with human emotion. love for example is an emotion, a signal in the brain, a feeling of subjectivity, or maybe a dilemma in psychology. and guess what, it doesnt matter.

i am your mghty cassanova, dateless and dormant. cigarettes, coffee, occasional drinks, and a lot of dreaming is my life. well since there will be a smoke ban then i guess no more cigarettes, and less alcohol, so that means coffee and me would have to survive on our own. i was wondering if i could marry the coffee?

oh a cup of coffee could be a perfect wife, because it can alternate mood swings, and deliver results in a matter of minutes. making love to it is never demanding, and best of all burns you when you need it most. and yes, its bitter, that makes it more realistic…tangible. and it would not cause you infidelity problems.

a year without a date is painful enough, and to top it of, a year without sex is much more of a punishment. and hold your comments there, i dont intend you to pry on my sex life. how far can i go without the basic things of "growing up", maybe until they find a cure for AIDS? or if i could a singing contract with EMI? i dont know. i am just a guy here whose dreams are held suspended for some bureaucratic issues.

at times id like to think things happen for a reason. that everything is not a comedy or a play, where i get to be the antagonist or protagonist, but most of the time i feel like playing in one. each blissful silence of the long walks to work makes me wonder, what if things were different? what if i became something else? 

i failed three heart exams, but i dont feel pain. ironic isn’t it? i got high but felt good the day after, a year without sex, prolongs procrastination, or the agony of holding that mighty ejaculation, or my liberal thoughts just started to emancipate after hours of flipping the coins. heads or tails? and maybe just maybe if the next relationship comes along, there will be no doors for exits, only windows to breathe. to get out will be a hard way. whoever told the world that the only people who needs security are women?

i have been accused of so many stuffs, some of which i am guilty of, but most of it were fabricated. i really dont care now, there will be that one person somehow, somewhere, who would readily accept me NOW rather than who i was yesterday. somebody who i would not place in a comprising situation, someone who id make sure, that every step is a positive move. someone who would wait until i move my chess piece. someone who looks at the long term, rather than a blissful night with sex, and kisses. someone who works, and goes home, take care of the things that needs to be sorted out, and think of me.

i will share my life to that someone. from day one to the end days. if you think i am a hopeless romantic, think again, i am not the only one. yes, i maybe a bastard for your eyes, but i do deserve to be happy.

.darkmau.

MALaYa!

this is where i end,

and where i begin.

this is where i smile,

and where i cry.

.

i mark this spot,

and forever it will be mine.

but the footprints,

and the shadows can never stay.

.

at this very moment,

right at this sad and happy day,

i let you go.

let all my love and care remind you.

.

that this is where,

i became brave,

and became coward,

and finally lost.

.

darkmau

malaya!

what is the significance of birthdays? i dont know, but something tells me that it is not just a counting game of how many days or years you pestered people and places, or how many carbon footprints you produced while puffing cigarettes or the damages you caused this planet or the fact how many hearts you broke. i think it is more than the accounting of the numbers of experiences, but rather a collation of experiences; may it be sad or happy, nonsensical or illogical. qualitative versus a quantitative life.

this blog is not to lecture about a meaningful life or living a healthy life, id rather be objective in saying that life is worth living, whatever the conditions are. money,  is almost always said to be a jargon for measuring the quality or quantity of being effecient in using time or the life energy as capital to gain this. but to what extent? contentment and fulfillment of heart’s desire opposes the idea of saturation or even the fact of being greedy.

for over the period years i never imagined something big could happen in my life, not because i dont believe in my "potentials" but because i thought i was content with where i used to be. people change, ideas evolved, and change remained constant. life is a journey, a never ending journey even with death. if we cross the boundary of mortality and death then we fulfill the idea of being human.

i do not know if i am making sense with the things i wrote. the truth is, i dont really care what you think. if you have reached this paragraph then i am thankful for actually arriving here. at this point, i have learned so many things, i learned that in order to keep a sane and sober life, one must not get drunk with criticism, positive or negative in the sense. why? simple, no human being remains objective, each and everyone with a sound or logical mind have subjective thought about one person. and the diversity of our experiences makes perceptions and observations quite different from each other. and this statement is actually a subjective input.

in my life i have learned that there are only 2 forces present in our life experiences. and these are push and pull forces. it is a law of physics that is relevant to almost everything. for fact, whether you agree or not ,  we are created with the same thing, which is called energy. if someone is pulling, one might be pushing. if both entities are exerting the same pulling force then it creates conflict and that is where agression begins, which could lead to unfavorable condition of dormancy. however, no matter how things are, everything leads somewhere, sometime, one way or the other.

darkmau

MALAYA!

ako ba ay produkto ng imahinasyon

ng nagsukob na damdamin?

inabot ang panahon ng pagkalas,

upang sa sinapupunan, makatakas?

ako ba ay daluyan ng nagdudugtong na buhay,

ng kamalayan na nahimlay?

o isang pagkakamali sa gabing di malilimutan,

iwaglit man o itapon sa kawalan.

ako ba ay katotohan ng mahalay na pawis,

tumulo sa gabing pagpapasabog,

ng masidhing pagnanasa

sa espasyo pumapagitna?

ako ba ay buhay na binigyan ng taning?

o isang elemento lamang ng mas malaking teatro?

ako ba ay ako at hindi puedeng maging ikaw,

sa saliw ng panglabas na kaanyuan,

sino nga ba ako,

at bakit hindi tayo naging pareho?

ako ba ay tao o hayop?

isang bang lipunan ang aking kinabibilangan,

o isang kagabutan rin,

na puno ng karahasan,

upang mapahaba ang lamang ang sangkatauhan?

ano ang meron sa akin, na meron sa iyo?

ano ang may halaga sa bawat araw?

may hangganan ba ang pagpanaw?

-

darkmau

MALAYA!

freedom. not free.

a price to pay

to make that flee.

darkmau

malaya!

from the moment you left

to the time you said hello

to that day you went.

and you said

that only your heart could think

feeling only what is real.

i broke to tears,

when you broke my heart,

and you, blaming me,

for breaking yours.

the time spent,

captive in a restless

years of finding and losing,

to the unending saga of

the feelings unspoken…

tears left unshed,

rain after rains of pain.

but despite,

this bottomless pit,

i keep on falling.

and you said no,

but i choose yes.

and for that,

i am not sorry.

.

darkmau

malaya!